grow up period

Its Monday again.
Annoying Monday.
I know i should treasure My days.
I've came to this point where I try to look at the brighter side of things because my 'problems' didnt go away immediately.
And I have been trying very hard to ignore stuff.
Looks like it will take some time.
Last weekend it was good.
The whole week was fine.
I went about cleaning the shop, and studying.
Sales is much better although I am so bored.
Its god's grace obviously.
These two weeks have been a grow up week.
I realized everyone is troubled, just by different things.
And i dont mean the type that is 'definately not as bad as mine.'
It is the type that leaves them annoyed, tired, worried and etc like how i feel when i have troubles.
But the difference is they can take things in stride, which I am not trained to do so.
But God is training me.
I partial ignore the things that I cannot solve immediately,
I learn to make the best full use of my unoccupied time,
I learn to take negative criticisms,
I try not to be so sensitive,
I pray for my brothers and sisters almost everyday,
I try to focus more on people's good points ,
I try to not treat people the way the treat me,
and I encourage and help those who need my help.
When i realize that one day we all can be happy even when we have problems which could not be solved,
I suddenly felt better and it became clear to me that things are ever changing,
certain things that i want may come to me one day,
and that if i dont treasure what i have now i might end up being unhappy for life, even if i pray and pray.

The seeds which grows

Blessed day to all.
:)
My seeds which I have planted are starting to grow.
Of course this time, I will not equate my worldly deemed success to grown seeds.
I know very well God may break and make me.
My last entry addressed the issue on loneliness,
and i mentioned I'd blog about my alone time with God and so that I'd not be afraid of being alone at times.
I must say that I am not as bad as what you think.
I can be alone, only at certain times of the day, it will torture me and give me bad thoughts.
And seriously, after going through quite a number of 'tortures', I dont see it as a torture anymore.
As long as I know why is this happening, and where I am heading to, it feels ok /it will feel ok.
Anw, I mentioned that I would blog about my Godly time, but God showed his faithfulness and gave me evidences that I will be contented one day.
1.I didnt have any time to be alone. Usually on Tuesdays before class, I will have an hour plus to kill, i didnt mind that at all...But that day I was kinda upset, and I was thinking of what to do before that but i bumped into Jiajun and my colleague, she wanted to go with me to buy my cousin's bday gift and we spent some blessed time together.(shes also a christian btw, and a commited one).
After that during class, I couldnt concentrate, and somehow I kept wanting to go to class, and I decided to leave early. As I have always been a good student my teacher didnt question much and asked me to take care. lol.
I could understand ENTIRELLY wad pastor was saying, and after that when I was about to leave,Rachel arranged for a very nice sister Meifeng to send me home..I felt very happy as I so tired and dreaded taking mrt home. And was also very happy to find out that she follows my blog(welcome to my life!) and she shows her support :) During the trip I had time to interact with herand her family :)
The next day at work, everything was horrible again in the morning,
but God convicts me with this- 'Your bad situation is temporary, it is for the goodness of your future, and if you can accept the bad i give you, you will grow very much spiritually and in me. '
And also 'there are too many 'disgusting things' which I need to rid of, and it takes time and if i can accept all these now and change, my blessings will increase by 10000 times.'and many many other convictions which i received.
Upon realizing AGAIN that my troubles will one day be gone,
and that my troubles are part of a plan,
and hardships only make me grow stronger ,
I experienced a happiness which no one could fathom.
And after passing the terrible 8 hours at work,
I came home with a headache but i felt happy.
After these period, i learnt to treasure my family and everything around me, and accepted everything bad and good .
When I accepted all that, I slowly saw his grace and things begin to fall into place.
:)
Sorry about no pictures, I am really pissed at my iphone for being unable to sync photos with my com which i use to blog at home!
Anw, tangible evidences that God is faithful -
1.I have a study buddy now :)
2.my r/s with my family became better
3.Saw how precious my job is to me now.
4.Saw how many people love me although I am so imperfect.
5.Saw how my tortures lead to my convictions and peace
6. etc etc

I will really show pictures soon! Its boring.
But hope my blog did bring some of you some convictions or msgs LOL.
:)
TGIF! is coming soon.. :)

God's love spectacles :)

This blog will be different from now on.
It has always been a ranting ground, where i talk about all my unhappiness and of course a place where i also give thanks and testify.
But its no longer going to be like this.
From now on, I am going to treat my DT-distorted thinking, or MD-Mind disorders like the way Sophia did.
She blog about food to start loving food,
I will blog about my alone time with God,
and start enjoying and getting used to being alone at times.
But like what HJ said,
GOD NEVER & NEVER WILL SHORT CHANGE ME,
This is a short period which will make me learn many things and of course ultimately become closer to God.
And like what i said, its SHORT/TEMPORARY/FOR A PERIOD.
I dont believe God will let me feel lonely forever.
I dont believe that God will let me feel terrible for no reason.
I dont believe this problem will be here forever.
I guess all this while, its no use testifying but not taking a good enough step to overcome the problem,
all i do is testify my changes, but i dont actually make full use of prayers the right way.
In the sense i pray, but i dont ask for solutions and make a huge effort in getting rid of the spiritual problems .
cos if i tried harder to pay attention to good details instead of the bad ones, such a sensitive person like me should have heard those voices from God.
And after receiving this conviction after talking to Rachel,
after putting on this God's Love Spectacles,
I also realize that satan is really the master of deception.
Although i blog everyday and talk about God's grace and all,
but it made me feel that I am leading 2 lives, one is a Holy life, and my 2nd life-while behind my every entry, I don't actually mean it and that my life is actually as bad as previously.And also one day my blog will be very negative, because It will come to one day when 'I cannot lie to myself anymore.'
But no.
I did not lie to anyone.
It wasnt me who blogged.simply speaking.
It is the Holy spirit.
And even if i lied and forced out those 'positive thoughts',
is it really positive thoughts?
If i am worldly, how do i deem what is positive and what isnt?
Aand why no matter how unhappy I am, i still look fwd to Friday, talking to HJ,SY, SOAP and seeing my cell group people?
And why after hearing some quotes from the bible etc, i immediately feel ok?
So theres no more denies that I have already trusted God, and am his sheep.
So now, I am getting SICK of satan's plans,
and instead of always blogging and trying to see God's grace in my problem, and later affirming myself and the world that I am blessed,
probably I should just really take practical action in enjoying my alone time with Him.
I might not understand and enjoy free time which is given by God,
But at least i try to like it and most imptly SEE IT AS A BLESSING,
and initially it might be terrible, but as long as I know roughly the purpose is enough.
And its a beginning.
Even if it doesnt work out,
I know God will not let me down and pave a way for me, maybe this is the end of my suffering in this area.
For now, I can blessedly say that I have no problems in other areas,
in the sense that there are no major problems,
and I can give thanks.
From now onwards, I will blog about my alone activity with God, and take photos .
With or without men beside me , I will understand and Show people that blissful solitude is much better than a 'date' with people who cant understand me spiritually.
Also, I realized a funny thing , when i receive this conviction,
I suddenly felt that being alone isn't such a scary matter anymore.
To put it in worldy ways, I can say that I bo bian=No choice,
TO put it in Godly ways, I will say that I GOT CHOICE, thats why i choose to enjoy my blissful solitude with him.
When i am with men, I dont have time to give thanks, I dont have time to see his grace.
I just enjoy and dont enjoy my time with my friend, its weird feeling.
But when I am down and out, and when i am so desperate to relieve my sorrow,
I become ultra sensitive to God and it's doings.
So i guess my annoying sensitivity and eccentric personality is to be made used of.
Today is the start of the end of my struggle in this area.
I dont even understand why i am unhappy over this issue after writing this entry. LOL.
Also, i saw these bible quotes under my wall paper app, and i think it fits me perfectly.
'And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' Phil 4:7
'I am torn between the two, I desire to depart and be with Christ which is far better.'Phil 1: 23
Both in Phil. Lol. Phil is Philipians right? HAHAHAHA.
So look fwd to my next entry which will showcase my battle with it.
And honestly, I am not that strong so pray for me!
To days with no desire to rely on men.

Lady in green

I apologize for the morning post.
The day was really terrible,
It was sad, boring and literally disgusting.
I felt super bad, and nth went well.
I was talking to Soap on Fb , and i was pouring out some of my woes to her.
After seeing her msgs, i cant help but see God's grace again, and felt a bit better.
But i know my problems dont just go away like that,
so i maintained a normal heart.
at around 535pm, i was about to walk out of the shop, this lady in green came and she looked very interested in my products.
The whole day there wasnt a single sale, and I was feeling very annoyed with this 'sale' which only come now, at the weirdest moment.
But shes very nice to quickly choose items and bought it, and although there are so many things which shes very interested in, she quickly bought something and promised to come by tmr.
And i made a sale :)
It reminded me of God's love and grace.
always when i thought its the end, and i would have to go to sleep feeling unhappy,
something nice will happen which would make me feel better.
And it has proven to be like this today-
after meeting my aunt in central,
I was on the line with Eric and i heard something which made me abit annoyed,
its something small but during that moment, it was terrible.
and after talking to him awhile more, i felt that i really have no friends.
And later i called him again, it did not feel any better.
But later we were ok, and HJ replied me.
After that Shiya called me, (not Rachel)
and although i know that she probably isnt a very nice friend, and she talked about me behind my back,
i guess being so unhappy abt it , esp this moment wont help.
hence i decided to just FORGIVE THEM.
And I know its not easy,
but I can pray about it .
I am quite sure God wants me to do so too.
Its not in my nature to hate them forever and really stop being their friend.
I can avoid when i need to,
and I am happy with this freedom of mine-which is god's grace.
Cos I am not the sort who would be that afraid of what people think of me, plus this circumstance makes it easy for me.
Cos they already think that I am Weird, and mysterious.
whatever~
Of course I am not ok yet.
But I really find it very tiring to hate them and be angry with them.
I will tell God that I have forgiven them, and I will seek his help and guidance in forgiving them.
I have really been trying.
I am sorry that I am weak, and I am probably not the girl you people think i am.
But I have been really trying.
On the other hand, i would like to give myself some affirmations by praising God and telling everyone what he has done for me which i forgot to give thanks to.
1.A tutor who cares about me and willing to teach for free.
2.My baptism week which was filled with lots of blessings and peace.
3.My forever happy Thurs, Fri, Sat, suns.and my not yet happy Mon-Wed.
4.My caring family who expresses their care and concern via shoutings and naggings lol
5.My angels from God aka Soap,HJ and Rachel. Also the rest who cares.:)
6.My relationship with Serene Lee also became better :)
7.My relationship with Mum. :)
8.My relationship with my cousin is better.
9.My spending habits which have improved greatly due to stop taking cab, except sunday :)
10. My relationship with SF, with have also improved due to the conflict we have with them.
11.My maths teacher who says that I am a fast solver and He should give me more challenging questions :)
12.My Maths improving, and On my way to my dream.
13.My discipline to go to class and take train home instead of cab.
14.the fact that i can make sales and improve sales every month although i do nothing at work.All i do is play game and Study my A lvl stuffs.
15.My bad habit of taking cab is gone.
16.My prayers which have changed from seeing a change to seeing His will.

:) So thats all i want to say.God loves me, yes I know.
Am waiting for GREAT miracles. God's promise .:)

No more feelings

Does it ever occur to you that God stopped loving you?
well it happened to me today.
I must admit that i am unhappy.
I bet you all can tell.
The problems which i mentioned,
none of them are solved.
these 2 weeks,Everyday, i struggle,
I go to sleep feeling unhappy,
I wake up feeling unhappy,
and I dont even know why.
Its weird.
No one really knows why.
Sometimes i am ok,
sometimes i feel terrible.
But nothing is solved.
What are blessings?
when you have to struggle everyday?
I am sorry but thats just how i am.
I cant find strength to give thanks now.
Theres just nothing good about my life and nothing to say to God.
I always say for a reason, but what is exactly the reason?
Maybe accept that nothing will ever change.

I have a life

I am very annoyed.
I am tired of being in this cycle!
Sometimes it takes so damn long to get over.
But i am not 'emo.'
I am ok.
I just want to complain, it'd be ok soon.
Today- I went to work late because i stayed up to play sims on iphone. Pretty stupid right?
But it makes me feel happy.
Cos I feel like i am controlling someones' life.
It feels good.
And when i woke up in the morning, i went for breakfast and came to work.
I felt like I have gotten over some things though.
1.Like my annoying mum and aunt, who nags all the time.
they are forever naggy and annoying,but they love me.
2.My 'no friend' syndrome, which happens every mon-wed.
3.My sian 1/2 dont feel like working syndrome.
4.my lack of a goal syndrome.
etc.
It all happened after i went to get baptized.
Perhaps it just doesnt seem so important to be someone i wanted to be after the baptism.
and all this issues, it have been addressed and its on its way to be cleared.
for e.g.,sun-thur, or sun-wed morbid days became mon-wed.
Seriously, only when you have been in pain, complain you are in pain, and gotten over pain you'd realize how precious your life is to God.
I cant really explain.
It has been a tough battle, but i keep winning.
This is really life, compared to then when i had to lie to myself everything is fine when its not.
I have a spirit.
And a life.
Its there and finally there.
I dont know if you all can understand , if dont know come ask me!
Especially when you know that everything is just temporary, for a good reason and purpose, to bless someone, for a change, etc.
Its no longer about happiness, or anything.
I just want to Lead my life .
Thats all.
I hope you guys understand.

for a reason

Yesterday and a few days before,
I was beaming with happiness.
There is just this peace inside me which I cant explain,
and even when i was at home on friday , I didnt feel unhappy despite the naggings from my aunt.
Just felt happy.
Maybe its a gift from God.
When i reached church late on sunday morning after all those 'obstacles' despite waking up early at 845 am,
I saw my brothers and sisters and felt happy immediately. :)
During the whole thing, i was very nervous, and i felt excited even.
Cos i know after i get baptized,
Its like I am married to God in name haha.
And I can proudly tell everyone i am christian.
Esp when i heard what pastor said on stage, about me definately being loved, i felt like crying again, cos i know that what he said was true.
All these while he never give up trying to get my attention and making me understand him,
And he bless me with friends who really love me like Sophia Lee, Lin HuiJun , ShiYa and Hooi Ching :), etc..Even a wonderful Pastor who understands what i am going through by just talking to me for awhile.
And when I was baptized, i felt that many are really genuinely happy,
and they really want me to be happy .
They know what i need, and they see me as the older them .
Esp shiya who went through almost the same problems as me.
They are not the same as people outside who love me in human ways.
And I am glad and very touched to see that all these while, God loves me and I have brothers and sisters who go through things with me.
And After receiving the gifts from Huijun and Hooiching , it felt like a celebration .
Thank you guys :)
But today, i got accused again.
I felt that other than my relationships with them,
the rest suck.
or maybe its me.
I really cannot tolerate my mum.
I cannot tolerate people who are straightforward.
And you know the reason?
Its because of her.
She has been very straightfoward and HARSH with her words.
The best word to describe my relationship with her is AGONY.
She cannot stand me.
And I know I have a lot of flaws.
But everyday she throws ACCUSATIONS, INSULTS, AND SCOLDINGS.
EVERYDAY.
EVERY SINGLE MORNING.
It made me very afraid of criticisms.
very afraid of scoldings.
and very afraid of people telling me the truth.
I really cant stand her..
I really cannot stand her scolding me and saying me everytime i talk about something unrelated.
I really cannot stand her...
And my aunt.
This shows how dark buddhism is.
Everything is about being a good person, being kind, etc.
When all you do is accuse.
and scold.
The way she disciplines me is like : 'i want to inflict pain on you now because you might get hurt in the future, so u must get used to the pain.'
I just hate talking to her,
and i am afraid of being with her.
The line between us seem to be clearer and clearer.
Shes buddhist,
I am christian.
I dont know how good i must be to get her to shut her trap.
Theres really nth to do at the shop.
Even if there is, it is something meaningless to me which can be done in a day.
But she doesnt understand.
I am sick of all these accusations,
all these lack of understanding from the people outside church,
How much more can i do to break away from this cycle?
But after i thought about the message yesterday,
I thought maybe I should really let go.
As in really give in to her,
and let her say me and just keep quiet.
Just be more easygoing.
Pride doesnt matter.
Misunderstood also doesnt matter.
If i ignore it,
it'll really be gone.
Because all these are from Satan.




And I am not like other people.
In worldly and morbid terms=SUAY
In christ=for a reason


So i guess I just need to pray. :)