Recently I have been coming home very late.
Yesterday i came home at 1230, the day before 130, and the previous 12am.
Everytime i walk home at night, i would feel like SUPER EXHAUSTED,
Mentally and physically because I am so tired from all the unhappiness and attacks i get even though i am outside.
Forgive me, I'm on recovery stage.
However, when i was out with my friend -which have known me since i am 13, I had many realizations.
The last time she mentioned this :"You're easy going and crazy."
I believe that is her impression of me when i was 13-16, which was the years that i was happy.
we lost contact from 16-22, hence i can def say that she is refering to when i was that age.
Anw, she is still as crazy as ever, and happy, or at least had the 'basic happiness'.
But when we joked and all, I feel that i dont feel her happiness, her enthusiasm,
I felt like a middle aged person.
But i don't know if its her type of jokes or just that i can be a bit solemn at times.
However,
it just suddenly felt that I have been wasting me last 6 years because of Satan,
and I really need a major revamp.
I can say this is from god.
Revamp my Life.
Every aspect.
I felt kinda happy to be in contact with this friend again,
her character can be of good training to me because:
1.She can be very mean with her words, but only to an extent
2.She is very happy and noisy, she can bring sunshine to my greyish life to a certain extent
3.She knows me for so long, we share a bond , and it makes me recall back abt those days when i am close to her because i am like her and i would want to be like her to retain the bond.
4. and so on.
I think its me who have always been choosing my friends , till the extent that now they have kinda 'ignored' me.
And now when i have close friends in my life,
regardless of anything,
it'd definately be a good thing cos its frm god and i can rely on him for help.
I think we should IGNORE SATAN.
For as long as possible!
When i realize that Satan had made me such a different person now, which god allowed to because he wants me to turn to him,
I really feel this need to change myself and to suck the poision out.
Small things that i've done-
1.I was very nice to my mum the whole morning although she kept rushing me and aaying nasty things.
2.I did not feel very terrible even though there were small attacks.
3.I rushed out to buy lunch for my dog although I am very tired, and the sun is scorching.
And so on later.
Another thing that I'm gona do is to sign up for classes in March .
Yesterday, after hearing what pastor said,
I felt that there isn't a need for me to be like very intelligent or successful anymore.
And after that i felt liberated.
I know every type of people have their own set of problems,
and for now, honestly i do feel that I am abit 'unfortunate' sometimes,
but I dont see how can i be happier without God.
and how different things would be without God.
I would have ended up turning to that fortune teller for help.
Looking back i realize i have been so silly.
Oh and i would like to say that I am so tired of being unhappy,
and tired with all those thoughts in my mind that i decided to GET RID OF ALL UNWANTED THOUGHTS .
Just filter off everything whenever it comes to my mind.With prayers of course.
The 3 time a day Prayer really works though,
but now it must come with a little bit more effort,
and soon I can eradicate this entire 'unhappy' thing out of my mind and life.
I have always been a happy girl, surrounded by many friends and people who love me.
its time to change myself to enjoy these blessings given by god.
:)
:)
I will be a changed person i promise.
SOON.
P.s I saw Eddie tan with his Gf, he looked so scared . Haha. FUCK HIM.Gay Shit.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Like this
I actually had an entry typed out this morning and i even listed it, but it did not appear.
The whole day today and yesterday, It was fine.
Lets talk about yesterday-Friday.
I had a terrible tiff with my mother in the car when we are on our way to work.
As we are quarreling, I was surprised that she actually wanted me to :
1.go do charity work with her so that my life will change
2.change my terrible character
and so on.
It was like she is speaking like satan,
accusing me, making me feel bad, and then try to make me go the wrong way.
I was very very baffled.
And it suddenly came to me that most of all these time, she have been made use of to tell me such things.
Although i know that I definitely have a part to play in all these criticism,
I know that satan have been using her to affect me in those areas which i am weak at.
How do i know that?
Because,
1.She have always been trying to get me to change my life by her own Buddhist ways.
2.She keep telling me that my life is useless, i go church also no use.
3.She keep trying to get my friends to go temple, which she succeeded a few times.
4.She makes me feel guilty and bad. I feel that I have to go her dumb temple to do charity work for her cos shes my mum.
5.She have been trying to convince me to be a Buddhist.
6.Her words affect me very badly, till the extend I feel so depressed I dont want to talk to anyone.
7.Her words make me feel that God doesnt love me.
8.Her words and actions make me very afraid of talking to her, makes me wanna hide.
9.I am very afraid to speak to her.
10.We have been having tension. Cos we quarrelled too much, we dont feel the mother and daughter love sometimes.
Its very weird.
And after the quarrell, I felt so guilty that i had to promise to go do charity work .
Its damn sad.
After that, the whole day felt quite shitty.
I called a friend and he didnt answer as he is asleep.
During late afternoon, I had an argument with Jiajun.
I really feel that I can't talk to him anymore.
The only thing i can do for him is to pray for him.
And i should really maintain a far away distance from him.
He affected my mood and It made me feel that God really didn't want to give me any release.
But i recognized that its satan, and I forced myself to meet Jayson for dinner and went to church.
Thankfully, the dinner with Jayson was ok.
And upon reaching church everything was ok,
I could feel the concern from those lovely people.
Its not like the outside friends.
I heard about the 7 spirits which the other time Wengang commented on my post,and i didn't exactly see that i have all 7.
But somehow after hearing that, i feel very confident and touched.
I received this msg in the bathroom again this morning that one day god really will fulfill all his promises.It just seems very real now, right now at this moment. And no one or anything can take it away.
I guess God wants to tell me:
1.God will give me everything i need and always wanted which i thought its difficult to have.
2.God will protect me and train me.He will give me what i want at the right time.
3.God will use me for the right things and make me a useful person.
4.God will always be there, the end of my sufferings is near.
5.God will always restore peace in my heart, one day i dont even need to be a constant church goer to feel peace, in fact, my prayers have been working so much better recently.
6.God will fulfill me.
7.God will change me.
8.God loves me.
And so on,which i cant really express or remember.
Upon realizing these, that all those problems satan gave are just like temporary brusies , or ant bites, I feel stronger to overcome this curse.
I guess I have a strong armor now which is my hatred for Satan and my desire to get out of this situation asap.
Also, I have been praying 3 times day or more to protect my heart mind and spirit, and when i do , it works almost immediately.
I prayed to God to make all my saturdays and Sundays peaceful days, in the past i would have felt that this is escaping from the problem,
but what exactly is the problem??
Is it the problem of not having enough friends?
Is it just about forcing happiness out from doing boring and stupid things, and trying hard to convince myself that sats and suns should be family day, when all i do is argue with them?
This time round, I look at it in a different way.
By praying to have meaningful and happy sats and sundays,
I am facing this PROBLEM, which is in short-LONELINESS, caused by boredom and definately SATAN, with the help of God and in his name, i can chase away all those negative entities which are geopardizing my happiness and relationship with God.
Why am i denied of a happy weekend?
And why do i have to accept unhappiness, thinking its part of leading a matured adult's life?
Matured pEOPLe, some more chrisitian, must be unhappy during weekends meh???
Its rubbish.
I've been praying about my sats and suns,
and i know God will give me everything and anything because i am his most beloved.
So why cant i ask for even a sunny weekend?
Hence, i prayed reverently, and today i had a invitation from Shiya(not Rachel) to go out, and the entire day, i found myself running here and there to get my stuffs dont before meeting Shiya.
In the past, even when i take naps, I feel upset when i wake up.
But this time, I even felt ok when i took a nap.
Aand after which we met up together in the evening.
It was really blessed time together although they know nothing of how i felt inside,
And all we talked about are like worldly stuff.
But i realize they have been my friends for so long,
And they have this heart to invlude me in their lives .
Maybe i have been condemning myself too much to an extent that i didnt thought i'd have any friends,
But now i realize that help is on its way.
When i confirmed this, things just automatically look better.
Everything that i am going through,
every pain/sadness that i have now will only make things look EVEN Better and more meaningful in the future.
I am not a weak person, and i love myself.
And God loves me and i have my own special personality and other things.
I can't understand how things can be good when you are often accused and condemned by 'yourself'.
Its really ENTIRELY ABOUT ACCUSATIONS.
All our problems stem from there.
It took me awhile to realize this.
From now on, nothing else seems important anymore.
All problems, lies blah blah.
It just seems like it turned into dust overnight.
And i'd just buy time and do my best, of course learn on the way.
But of course, God will surprise me.
He wont let me 'buy time'.
He would let me Enjoy time .
He really works in his own mysterious and wonderful ways.
So i shall just wait and see patiently.
I can't promise that i'd be this strong forever, but for now i can.
I know happiness is on its way. I just know it.
:)
To a blessed future.
The whole day today and yesterday, It was fine.
Lets talk about yesterday-Friday.
I had a terrible tiff with my mother in the car when we are on our way to work.
As we are quarreling, I was surprised that she actually wanted me to :
1.go do charity work with her so that my life will change
2.change my terrible character
and so on.
It was like she is speaking like satan,
accusing me, making me feel bad, and then try to make me go the wrong way.
I was very very baffled.
And it suddenly came to me that most of all these time, she have been made use of to tell me such things.
Although i know that I definitely have a part to play in all these criticism,
I know that satan have been using her to affect me in those areas which i am weak at.
How do i know that?
Because,
1.She have always been trying to get me to change my life by her own Buddhist ways.
2.She keep telling me that my life is useless, i go church also no use.
3.She keep trying to get my friends to go temple, which she succeeded a few times.
4.She makes me feel guilty and bad. I feel that I have to go her dumb temple to do charity work for her cos shes my mum.
5.She have been trying to convince me to be a Buddhist.
6.Her words affect me very badly, till the extend I feel so depressed I dont want to talk to anyone.
7.Her words make me feel that God doesnt love me.
8.Her words and actions make me very afraid of talking to her, makes me wanna hide.
9.I am very afraid to speak to her.
10.We have been having tension. Cos we quarrelled too much, we dont feel the mother and daughter love sometimes.
Its very weird.
And after the quarrell, I felt so guilty that i had to promise to go do charity work .
Its damn sad.
After that, the whole day felt quite shitty.
I called a friend and he didnt answer as he is asleep.
During late afternoon, I had an argument with Jiajun.
I really feel that I can't talk to him anymore.
The only thing i can do for him is to pray for him.
And i should really maintain a far away distance from him.
He affected my mood and It made me feel that God really didn't want to give me any release.
But i recognized that its satan, and I forced myself to meet Jayson for dinner and went to church.
Thankfully, the dinner with Jayson was ok.
And upon reaching church everything was ok,
I could feel the concern from those lovely people.
Its not like the outside friends.
I heard about the 7 spirits which the other time Wengang commented on my post,and i didn't exactly see that i have all 7.
But somehow after hearing that, i feel very confident and touched.
I received this msg in the bathroom again this morning that one day god really will fulfill all his promises.It just seems very real now, right now at this moment. And no one or anything can take it away.
I guess God wants to tell me:
1.God will give me everything i need and always wanted which i thought its difficult to have.
2.God will protect me and train me.He will give me what i want at the right time.
3.God will use me for the right things and make me a useful person.
4.God will always be there, the end of my sufferings is near.
5.God will always restore peace in my heart, one day i dont even need to be a constant church goer to feel peace, in fact, my prayers have been working so much better recently.
6.God will fulfill me.
7.God will change me.
8.God loves me.
And so on,which i cant really express or remember.
Upon realizing these, that all those problems satan gave are just like temporary brusies , or ant bites, I feel stronger to overcome this curse.
I guess I have a strong armor now which is my hatred for Satan and my desire to get out of this situation asap.
Also, I have been praying 3 times day or more to protect my heart mind and spirit, and when i do , it works almost immediately.
I prayed to God to make all my saturdays and Sundays peaceful days, in the past i would have felt that this is escaping from the problem,
but what exactly is the problem??
Is it the problem of not having enough friends?
Is it just about forcing happiness out from doing boring and stupid things, and trying hard to convince myself that sats and suns should be family day, when all i do is argue with them?
This time round, I look at it in a different way.
By praying to have meaningful and happy sats and sundays,
I am facing this PROBLEM, which is in short-LONELINESS, caused by boredom and definately SATAN, with the help of God and in his name, i can chase away all those negative entities which are geopardizing my happiness and relationship with God.
Why am i denied of a happy weekend?
And why do i have to accept unhappiness, thinking its part of leading a matured adult's life?
Matured pEOPLe, some more chrisitian, must be unhappy during weekends meh???
Its rubbish.
I've been praying about my sats and suns,
and i know God will give me everything and anything because i am his most beloved.
So why cant i ask for even a sunny weekend?
Hence, i prayed reverently, and today i had a invitation from Shiya(not Rachel) to go out, and the entire day, i found myself running here and there to get my stuffs dont before meeting Shiya.
In the past, even when i take naps, I feel upset when i wake up.
But this time, I even felt ok when i took a nap.
Aand after which we met up together in the evening.
It was really blessed time together although they know nothing of how i felt inside,
And all we talked about are like worldly stuff.
But i realize they have been my friends for so long,
And they have this heart to invlude me in their lives .
Maybe i have been condemning myself too much to an extent that i didnt thought i'd have any friends,
But now i realize that help is on its way.
When i confirmed this, things just automatically look better.
Everything that i am going through,
every pain/sadness that i have now will only make things look EVEN Better and more meaningful in the future.
I am not a weak person, and i love myself.
And God loves me and i have my own special personality and other things.
I can't understand how things can be good when you are often accused and condemned by 'yourself'.
Its really ENTIRELY ABOUT ACCUSATIONS.
All our problems stem from there.
It took me awhile to realize this.
From now on, nothing else seems important anymore.
All problems, lies blah blah.
It just seems like it turned into dust overnight.
And i'd just buy time and do my best, of course learn on the way.
But of course, God will surprise me.
He wont let me 'buy time'.
He would let me Enjoy time .
He really works in his own mysterious and wonderful ways.
So i shall just wait and see patiently.
I can't promise that i'd be this strong forever, but for now i can.
I know happiness is on its way. I just know it.
:)
To a blessed future.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Grey Areas
Recently things have been back to normal.
I wonder if normal=happy, happy=normal?
I dont really like the feeling where by i have to depend on company to be happy anymore.
Actually i just got home and feel very lazy to blog, but i felt that i wont only blog when i am sad.
When i am unhappy, i give thanks.
When i am happy, i give thanks also.
But this time round, i don't really know if 'i want to give thanks.'
I just dislike the feeling of relying on these external companionship to be happy.
After seeing the 'worse', and realizing that:
1. Friends are not 'reliable', they can come and go anytime.
2.You cannot depend on them to be happy, only God.
3.Things are always changing, no point dwelling and letting satan attack and ruin your life.
4.Prayers are really very very important.
5.Prayers can change a person's life, like immediately.
6.God really works in his own mysterious and amazing ways.
7.Relationships will only work with God around.
8.You only understand sweetness after bitterness.
Anw, I will share with you guys some of my outings.
Mon-I met candice for dinner, and went out with sf and etc for his birthday, den went yao's house for mahjong, which i went home early.
Wed-I went club for sf's actual birthday.
I was high after about 8 cups of vodka, half filled, and sf had to look after me from 3+am onwards.
Oh and yeap i do need to wear specs sometimes.Recently i have blur visions again.
When we got out of club, I couldnt walk straight.
Rest assured that i dont go often!
Today, i took leave as i was tired from yesterday night.
The whole morning, i had non stop naggings from my auntie.
"You are so irresponsible and lazy. If you dont work for your uncle you'd get sacked."
She was so annoying, I had a hard time trying to sleep and i know that if i argue with her, it'd be worse, so i kept quiet and just slept.
All the way from 9am-11am she nagged and nagged, didnt give me any peace.
When i woke up at 11am to bring Muffin to the vet, she stopped the nagging.
Muffin had diarrhea and she vommitted twice today.
And after lunch, we brought muffin back home and I felt very peaceful.
It was a nice afternoon and somehow,
i received this conviction that I really should stop relying on my friends for happiness,
and i prayed about it.
Hence having this conviction to type out the this entry.
After watching vcds and making earrings, i went to sleep.
And i was woken up by my aunt's constant nagging again.
About my jeans left on the ironing board.
She was so annoying that i decided to leave my house earlier to meet Serene,
but while i was about to walk out, it suddenly came to me that if i just give in to her , things will become better.
Cos shes 50 and I am 23, I can't expect her to change anymore.
And shes often very unhappy with her life, I figured that probably I could be the one who can bring her some comfort, and bring her to christ one day.
So i just answered her nicely and cleared my stuff before leaving the house.
She reacted nicely to me too.
This is the start of my blue print.
You know, i start realizing that i am very suitable to be a christian.
I will continue updating my my happiness and my problems here.
However, like what i said, i really don't want to be too happy anymore.
I will just balance things out from now on.
Cannot be too happy, unless its from god.
Cannot be too sad , unless i know it'd help me.
Kinda like be very normal and less reactive when any problem arises.
If not Satan will keep finding a lot of ways to attack me.
I also feel very confused as to what kinda things i can be happy about,
I also feel very confused as to whether i should be happy when good things happen,
as it'd be like i am very ungrateful or like still very worldly, you know what i mean?
I will pray about it.
And seriously, thank you guys, i am sure you guys kept me in prayers very reverently.
Cos i really feel this huge stone lifted from my heart and it feels better now.
Thank you all of you!
Pray for me alright?
See you all on sunday/friday. :)
I wonder if normal=happy, happy=normal?
I dont really like the feeling where by i have to depend on company to be happy anymore.
Actually i just got home and feel very lazy to blog, but i felt that i wont only blog when i am sad.
When i am unhappy, i give thanks.
When i am happy, i give thanks also.
But this time round, i don't really know if 'i want to give thanks.'
I just dislike the feeling of relying on these external companionship to be happy.
After seeing the 'worse', and realizing that:
1. Friends are not 'reliable', they can come and go anytime.
2.You cannot depend on them to be happy, only God.
3.Things are always changing, no point dwelling and letting satan attack and ruin your life.
4.Prayers are really very very important.
5.Prayers can change a person's life, like immediately.
6.God really works in his own mysterious and amazing ways.
7.Relationships will only work with God around.
8.You only understand sweetness after bitterness.
Anw, I will share with you guys some of my outings.
Mon-I met candice for dinner, and went out with sf and etc for his birthday, den went yao's house for mahjong, which i went home early.
Wed-I went club for sf's actual birthday.
I was high after about 8 cups of vodka, half filled, and sf had to look after me from 3+am onwards.
Oh and yeap i do need to wear specs sometimes.Recently i have blur visions again.
When we got out of club, I couldnt walk straight.
Rest assured that i dont go often!
Today, i took leave as i was tired from yesterday night.
The whole morning, i had non stop naggings from my auntie.
"You are so irresponsible and lazy. If you dont work for your uncle you'd get sacked."
She was so annoying, I had a hard time trying to sleep and i know that if i argue with her, it'd be worse, so i kept quiet and just slept.
All the way from 9am-11am she nagged and nagged, didnt give me any peace.
When i woke up at 11am to bring Muffin to the vet, she stopped the nagging.
Muffin had diarrhea and she vommitted twice today.
And after lunch, we brought muffin back home and I felt very peaceful.
It was a nice afternoon and somehow,
i received this conviction that I really should stop relying on my friends for happiness,
and i prayed about it.
Hence having this conviction to type out the this entry.
After watching vcds and making earrings, i went to sleep.
And i was woken up by my aunt's constant nagging again.
About my jeans left on the ironing board.
She was so annoying that i decided to leave my house earlier to meet Serene,
but while i was about to walk out, it suddenly came to me that if i just give in to her , things will become better.
Cos shes 50 and I am 23, I can't expect her to change anymore.
And shes often very unhappy with her life, I figured that probably I could be the one who can bring her some comfort, and bring her to christ one day.
So i just answered her nicely and cleared my stuff before leaving the house.
She reacted nicely to me too.
This is the start of my blue print.
You know, i start realizing that i am very suitable to be a christian.
I will continue updating my my happiness and my problems here.
However, like what i said, i really don't want to be too happy anymore.
I will just balance things out from now on.
Cannot be too happy, unless its from god.
Cannot be too sad , unless i know it'd help me.
Kinda like be very normal and less reactive when any problem arises.
If not Satan will keep finding a lot of ways to attack me.
I also feel very confused as to what kinda things i can be happy about,
I also feel very confused as to whether i should be happy when good things happen,
as it'd be like i am very ungrateful or like still very worldly, you know what i mean?
I will pray about it.
And seriously, thank you guys, i am sure you guys kept me in prayers very reverently.
Cos i really feel this huge stone lifted from my heart and it feels better now.
Thank you all of you!
Pray for me alright?
See you all on sunday/friday. :)
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Neutral
This will be a long post.
I felt compelled to blog,
felt very much needing to tell everyone that I've been ok,
These 2 days have been ok.
I went out with a good friend yesterday, went to celebrate my other friend's bday and came home at 1230 am again.
I cannot say its good, till the day I can rely entirely on God.
Although things have been ok,
I can't feel happy cos I know its not because of Knowing i have God itself,
I am ok because my friends all replied me and there were even invitations.
I found myself wishing i had no invitations .
I do realize the differences with having god and without him.
1.Whenever there is a sudden problem, I pray to him and he answers me almost immediately, I can instant relieve sometimes.
w/ him, i think about why it happened, and use worldly ways and seek worldly pple for help, and i get rejected by them sometimes, fear of them looking down on me , ignoring me etc.
2.when i feel sad, i look to only HJ and SY, and i dont even bother looking for other pple.
I've been praying 3 times daily now, to protect my heart, mind and spirit in the morning, afternoon and evening, and all these made me better.
So next time i'd try not to disturb HJ and SY, and keep this 3 prayers everyday. Unless i have something 'constructive' den i'd ask them.
3.When i have a prob, i know deep down its frm God if it makes me grow. But if it tortures me and makes me want to turn away frm God obviously its frm S. And when i recognize its from God, i feel 'divine discontentment.' Its a weird feeling but its better than frm S obviously.
4.God speaks to me every morning in the shower. I feel more peaceful after every bath.
5.If i dont go to church every friday and sunday, I'd feel terrible. Its like a day without eating carbo, that sort of feeling. I feel lifeless and sad.
6.Thurs, fri, sat and sun morning i feel happy. Cos its all nearer to friday.
Off peak hour, same as Kbox, sun night -thur afternoon i feel more down.
7.I ALWAYS feel happy after church on friday. VERY VERY happy in fact.
8.I always feel better after seeing my church friends, esp HJ and SY.Upon looking at them,honestly.
9.I feel like crying when i think about him seeking me all this while.
10.I always felt this tingling sensation when i hear god's msg, sing godly songs or even enter a church, esp my previous church.
11.I find my struggles linked to God sometimes.
12. When he sent me home and told me sweet things, i dont even feel as happy as after going to church.
13.I always feel that God has a soft spot for me. bhb haha.
14.I always feel that something is missing even when everything is going well.
15.I seek truths that are always different from people.
16.I always feel uncomfortable with going to temples .
17.I feel happy immediately when i hear God's word. Pastor told me that before, and i was amazed and enlightened cos i only realize it now lol.
18.I always felt that there is a place that i can seek peace.Not even from my family.
19.I experienced a lot of miracles from god, and its inexplicable, and i dont even tell anyone other that christians .
20.Although i experience pain even when i am christian, i cannot help but want to seek comfort from hearing God's word and voice in the church.
I definately feel the difference when i am christian and when i was non christian.
I know only you all would understand.
Hence, i've concluded that :
1.With or without god, i would definately have problems, just that with our loving God, it'd seem so much less morbid and it'd end quickier. Also, there is always a place we can find peace, whether physically or mentally.
2.God just wants us to grow without letting us get tortured like non christians. No matter how bad, it just feels better deep down knowing its from him. Maybe we have additional pain -DOUBT, due to the fact that we do not know why he give us this problem, and when it'd go away/would it go away.
3.He needs to find something to grab our attention. Esp for someone like me-sas(short attention span, I write this cos next time i can use short form for this and u all would know what is this.) . well, he grabbed mine and he made me want to seek him every week,frm fri -sun to mon-sun and 3 times daily some more, like from flab to fab. And i ended up feeling more blessed.
4.He gives me the protection even till the extend of letting me see through a guy before anything bad happens.
5.These problems are temporary, and its for my own good.
6.When i am ok, i really dont like to llook for God , but when i am down then i would have to look for God, and thats his best chance to talk to me. :)
7.S comes, every day 24 hr like 7-11. So it'd be good for many to keep praying , until it lessens,den can pray less but must keep regular basic prayer still definately.
8.My prayers are answered almost immedaitely.
9.without god, i can imagine how bleak my life would be.
10. Don't worry about god not giving you friends, love, family etc. He'd. Just need time. Keep holding onto his word and fight the battle bravely.
Think thats all for today. Will blog again soon.
Hope you guys had some blessings/answers/convictions after reading my entries.
Love you all.
Night! I'm gonna make earrings exercise and watch simpsons den sleep.
Blessings be with you.
I felt compelled to blog,
felt very much needing to tell everyone that I've been ok,
These 2 days have been ok.
I went out with a good friend yesterday, went to celebrate my other friend's bday and came home at 1230 am again.
I cannot say its good, till the day I can rely entirely on God.
Although things have been ok,
I can't feel happy cos I know its not because of Knowing i have God itself,
I am ok because my friends all replied me and there were even invitations.
I found myself wishing i had no invitations .
I do realize the differences with having god and without him.
1.Whenever there is a sudden problem, I pray to him and he answers me almost immediately, I can instant relieve sometimes.
w/ him, i think about why it happened, and use worldly ways and seek worldly pple for help, and i get rejected by them sometimes, fear of them looking down on me , ignoring me etc.
2.when i feel sad, i look to only HJ and SY, and i dont even bother looking for other pple.
I've been praying 3 times daily now, to protect my heart, mind and spirit in the morning, afternoon and evening, and all these made me better.
So next time i'd try not to disturb HJ and SY, and keep this 3 prayers everyday. Unless i have something 'constructive' den i'd ask them.
3.When i have a prob, i know deep down its frm God if it makes me grow. But if it tortures me and makes me want to turn away frm God obviously its frm S. And when i recognize its from God, i feel 'divine discontentment.' Its a weird feeling but its better than frm S obviously.
4.God speaks to me every morning in the shower. I feel more peaceful after every bath.
5.If i dont go to church every friday and sunday, I'd feel terrible. Its like a day without eating carbo, that sort of feeling. I feel lifeless and sad.
6.Thurs, fri, sat and sun morning i feel happy. Cos its all nearer to friday.
Off peak hour, same as Kbox, sun night -thur afternoon i feel more down.
7.I ALWAYS feel happy after church on friday. VERY VERY happy in fact.
8.I always feel better after seeing my church friends, esp HJ and SY.Upon looking at them,honestly.
9.I feel like crying when i think about him seeking me all this while.
10.I always felt this tingling sensation when i hear god's msg, sing godly songs or even enter a church, esp my previous church.
11.I find my struggles linked to God sometimes.
12. When he sent me home and told me sweet things, i dont even feel as happy as after going to church.
13.I always feel that God has a soft spot for me. bhb haha.
14.I always feel that something is missing even when everything is going well.
15.I seek truths that are always different from people.
16.I always feel uncomfortable with going to temples .
17.I feel happy immediately when i hear God's word. Pastor told me that before, and i was amazed and enlightened cos i only realize it now lol.
18.I always felt that there is a place that i can seek peace.Not even from my family.
19.I experienced a lot of miracles from god, and its inexplicable, and i dont even tell anyone other that christians .
20.Although i experience pain even when i am christian, i cannot help but want to seek comfort from hearing God's word and voice in the church.
I definately feel the difference when i am christian and when i was non christian.
I know only you all would understand.
Hence, i've concluded that :
1.With or without god, i would definately have problems, just that with our loving God, it'd seem so much less morbid and it'd end quickier. Also, there is always a place we can find peace, whether physically or mentally.
2.God just wants us to grow without letting us get tortured like non christians. No matter how bad, it just feels better deep down knowing its from him. Maybe we have additional pain -DOUBT, due to the fact that we do not know why he give us this problem, and when it'd go away/would it go away.
3.He needs to find something to grab our attention. Esp for someone like me-sas(short attention span, I write this cos next time i can use short form for this and u all would know what is this.) . well, he grabbed mine and he made me want to seek him every week,frm fri -sun to mon-sun and 3 times daily some more, like from flab to fab. And i ended up feeling more blessed.
4.He gives me the protection even till the extend of letting me see through a guy before anything bad happens.
5.These problems are temporary, and its for my own good.
6.When i am ok, i really dont like to llook for God , but when i am down then i would have to look for God, and thats his best chance to talk to me. :)
7.S comes, every day 24 hr like 7-11. So it'd be good for many to keep praying , until it lessens,den can pray less but must keep regular basic prayer still definately.
8.My prayers are answered almost immedaitely.
9.without god, i can imagine how bleak my life would be.
10. Don't worry about god not giving you friends, love, family etc. He'd. Just need time. Keep holding onto his word and fight the battle bravely.
Think thats all for today. Will blog again soon.
Hope you guys had some blessings/answers/convictions after reading my entries.
Love you all.
Night! I'm gonna make earrings exercise and watch simpsons den sleep.
Blessings be with you.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
It Sent back to hell
I was really feeling ok yesterday. Especially after the beautiful sunday afternoon post.
I took a train and bus home, and felt ok, in fact very ok.
Cos it reminded me much of how life was before i decided to get baptized in April, which made it very angry and decided to torture me.
With he, friends, and so on.
And when i got home, after disturbing the furry four legged animal, I decided to blog while waiting for my sister and after that, she decided not to go out with me as the weather was very bad.
I felt terrible.
Just because she didn't want to go out.
Can you imagine how disturbed my spirit is?
Such a slight thing that can cause me so much irritation.
I got angry and told my sister not to ask me out again.
And even said i am going to go out on my own now.
I think this is like a snowball thing.
Everytime i get 'let down' last minute, i'd feel like this.
So after that i went online to check for colleges which are can study at, as i'm planning to study now, (pray for me!) I went to look at his website again. He is a fan of lomography and he takes photos and post them on a site. But i dont think its very good.
And i saw photos of his gf.
Its just 1 or 2 out of so many photos, but i got very angry,
i msg-ed him and made excuses to get back my book frm him.
I made him come at the time i wanted.
He kept saying he can't, but i FORCED and DEMANDED him to be here.
And he stupidly drove frm his house down to my house downstairs, and when he reached downstairs, i made him come up, and i told him i had cramps(which i really had) and got him to leave it at my door step. without seeing his fugly face.
After that he smsed me, and said stuff which made me angry and hurt,
and we quarrelled.
During the quarrell, we let out a lot of emotions.
I was surprised that he seem to still felt something for me,
considered me as 'something',
and he felt bad.
He argued with me, but through the quarrell, he was giving in to me.
I felt super relieved after the quarrell.
But this does not prevent me frm thinking he SUCKS, and he deserve to be in hell with satan.
I'm sorry i am so morbid.
Anw, i got back at him.
He is really a STUPID GUY, with no brains.
Can't believe he really did all these.
I should have tortured him further.
I should have told him that i am coming down, make him wait 1 hr plus, den eventually said i am not coming down.
And i regretted not shooting him big time.
He is an asshole, i regretted knowing him, he is from satan, he is satan's god son and satan's pet.
I HATE HIM LIKE HELL , and i want to torture him.
sorry that is just the real me.
And after that, i felt bad i called Huijun, she was there for me, everything she said it took me awhile to take it in, but some of them were like plasters on my wound.
Its really difficult for such an obsessive personality like mine to heal.
Its really difficult to let myself be like god when i have such evil streaks in me.
I know i shouldn't condemn myself, but i still want to let you guys know how much satan has tortured me, and how much has god healed me.
I want to let all those other christians out there know : ALWAYS BE CAREFUL AND STAY CLOSE TO GOD. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SATAN CAN PULL YOUR BACK LEG.
SATAN=DIRTY LIAR just like him, EDDIE TAN.
This will be last post on him, hopefully.
I can't wait to send him back to hell,
and his gf will definately cheat on him.
Cos i rem this phrase in the bible that says that.
Also, i am really touched by the comments you guys wrote for me. Huijun,Wengang, Sophia, Huizhen, thank you guys. I felt very touched and happy to read your comments. This blog thing, its really created for me. I hope my posts touched many and helped many. It makes me feel better knowing that my pain at least have some use for some pple . I guess thats how god is using me.
I feel very tired, spiritually, mentally and physically HONESTLY,
I am still a woman and a human being,
I feel very tired..
So tired i felt like taking a week off and sleep and nua around everyday,
but i know if i dont go to work, i would be fully consumed by it,
and i am so so afraid of god ignoring me .
I hope god testing would come to a halt for awhile.
God haven't i proven to you that i can?
I really dont know what to say for now.
Just hope things really get much better soon.
TO MORE PEACEFUL DAYS..............................
P.S i was able to exchange the book at kinokuniya for other items! YAY!
I took a train and bus home, and felt ok, in fact very ok.
Cos it reminded me much of how life was before i decided to get baptized in April, which made it very angry and decided to torture me.
With he, friends, and so on.
And when i got home, after disturbing the furry four legged animal, I decided to blog while waiting for my sister and after that, she decided not to go out with me as the weather was very bad.
I felt terrible.
Just because she didn't want to go out.
Can you imagine how disturbed my spirit is?
Such a slight thing that can cause me so much irritation.
I got angry and told my sister not to ask me out again.
And even said i am going to go out on my own now.
I think this is like a snowball thing.
Everytime i get 'let down' last minute, i'd feel like this.
So after that i went online to check for colleges which are can study at, as i'm planning to study now, (pray for me!) I went to look at his website again. He is a fan of lomography and he takes photos and post them on a site. But i dont think its very good.
And i saw photos of his gf.
Its just 1 or 2 out of so many photos, but i got very angry,
i msg-ed him and made excuses to get back my book frm him.
I made him come at the time i wanted.
He kept saying he can't, but i FORCED and DEMANDED him to be here.
And he stupidly drove frm his house down to my house downstairs, and when he reached downstairs, i made him come up, and i told him i had cramps(which i really had) and got him to leave it at my door step. without seeing his fugly face.
After that he smsed me, and said stuff which made me angry and hurt,
and we quarrelled.
During the quarrell, we let out a lot of emotions.
I was surprised that he seem to still felt something for me,
considered me as 'something',
and he felt bad.
He argued with me, but through the quarrell, he was giving in to me.
I felt super relieved after the quarrell.
But this does not prevent me frm thinking he SUCKS, and he deserve to be in hell with satan.
I'm sorry i am so morbid.
Anw, i got back at him.
He is really a STUPID GUY, with no brains.
Can't believe he really did all these.
I should have tortured him further.
I should have told him that i am coming down, make him wait 1 hr plus, den eventually said i am not coming down.
And i regretted not shooting him big time.
He is an asshole, i regretted knowing him, he is from satan, he is satan's god son and satan's pet.
I HATE HIM LIKE HELL , and i want to torture him.
sorry that is just the real me.
And after that, i felt bad i called Huijun, she was there for me, everything she said it took me awhile to take it in, but some of them were like plasters on my wound.
Its really difficult for such an obsessive personality like mine to heal.
Its really difficult to let myself be like god when i have such evil streaks in me.
I know i shouldn't condemn myself, but i still want to let you guys know how much satan has tortured me, and how much has god healed me.
I want to let all those other christians out there know : ALWAYS BE CAREFUL AND STAY CLOSE TO GOD. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SATAN CAN PULL YOUR BACK LEG.
SATAN=DIRTY LIAR just like him, EDDIE TAN.
This will be last post on him, hopefully.
I can't wait to send him back to hell,
and his gf will definately cheat on him.
Cos i rem this phrase in the bible that says that.
Also, i am really touched by the comments you guys wrote for me. Huijun,Wengang, Sophia, Huizhen, thank you guys. I felt very touched and happy to read your comments. This blog thing, its really created for me. I hope my posts touched many and helped many. It makes me feel better knowing that my pain at least have some use for some pple . I guess thats how god is using me.
I feel very tired, spiritually, mentally and physically HONESTLY,
I am still a woman and a human being,
I feel very tired..
So tired i felt like taking a week off and sleep and nua around everyday,
but i know if i dont go to work, i would be fully consumed by it,
and i am so so afraid of god ignoring me .
I hope god testing would come to a halt for awhile.
God haven't i proven to you that i can?
I really dont know what to say for now.
Just hope things really get much better soon.
TO MORE PEACEFUL DAYS..............................
P.S i was able to exchange the book at kinokuniya for other items! YAY!
Quiet beautiful Sunday afternoon
Hi everyone.
I know my blog add is known by many now.
And i feel a little shy, but i know its good cos i might be blessing someone when he/she is reading this blog.
Its such a blessed sunday.
Although i was simply pissed when i was waiting for cab this morning.
Horrible weather, horrible sick feeling due to the antibiotics and I was so weak I almost fainted!
But i bought something to eat and took a bus to central, and then took a cab to church.
I was already feeling better.The cab uncle is very nice and kept warning me to look out when i get off the cab. Maybe i look very blur.
Upon reaching church, i borrowed MeiEr's 'paper' and was touched that god is speaking to me through the message again.
Anw,church ended and I was talking to Huizhen and a few people came to tell me that they have been reading my blog! I was very happy but a bit shy to hear that.
But you guys are welcome to read and comments would be deeply appreciated :)
After that shiya and me were talking, and I was updating her.
While i was talking to her, i felt like crying as i realized that all this while,
god really never left me, and he really wanted the best for me.
And i am very grateful he gave me friends whom i love in church, its really different from the old church i went to and it means a lot to me.
She talked to me a lot and mentioned why they thought its a very good thing to spread my blog around which became my intention now.
I will mention my every thought and feeling here that is from god, and of course i will also mention those that are frm S.
So those of you guys who actually feel like me will know that firstly, you are not alone, and secondly, how to overcome these problems.
Maybe i will really become a S expert in the future.
S-he have already picked the wrong person(me) to trifle with.
Anyway, I will constantly improve myself.
Not in worldy ways but of course in god ways.
From now on i'll listen to his words and the rest is not impt anymore.
I believe he won't make me lonely for long.
I will pray about this,
and you guys who are reading, pray for me too ok?
In case you guys who don't know my prayer topics well enough, I will list it all down now.
1.To know satan better so i can defeat him.
2.To only want god,be happy in any circumstance knowing i have him is enough.
3.Realize that I already succeeded , because i have him.
4.Loneliness issues. Pray that i have things to keep me preoccupied, and to have many and more friends in christ instead of worldly friends.
5.To be stronger, can fight against s with help of god of course
6.My other interpersonal relationships which affect my rs with god.
I really believe happiness is on its way.
To everlasting blissful days.
I know my blog add is known by many now.
And i feel a little shy, but i know its good cos i might be blessing someone when he/she is reading this blog.
Its such a blessed sunday.
Although i was simply pissed when i was waiting for cab this morning.
Horrible weather, horrible sick feeling due to the antibiotics and I was so weak I almost fainted!
But i bought something to eat and took a bus to central, and then took a cab to church.
I was already feeling better.The cab uncle is very nice and kept warning me to look out when i get off the cab. Maybe i look very blur.
Upon reaching church, i borrowed MeiEr's 'paper' and was touched that god is speaking to me through the message again.
Anw,church ended and I was talking to Huizhen and a few people came to tell me that they have been reading my blog! I was very happy but a bit shy to hear that.
But you guys are welcome to read and comments would be deeply appreciated :)
After that shiya and me were talking, and I was updating her.
While i was talking to her, i felt like crying as i realized that all this while,
god really never left me, and he really wanted the best for me.
And i am very grateful he gave me friends whom i love in church, its really different from the old church i went to and it means a lot to me.
She talked to me a lot and mentioned why they thought its a very good thing to spread my blog around which became my intention now.
I will mention my every thought and feeling here that is from god, and of course i will also mention those that are frm S.
So those of you guys who actually feel like me will know that firstly, you are not alone, and secondly, how to overcome these problems.
Maybe i will really become a S expert in the future.
S-he have already picked the wrong person(me) to trifle with.
Anyway, I will constantly improve myself.
Not in worldy ways but of course in god ways.
From now on i'll listen to his words and the rest is not impt anymore.
I believe he won't make me lonely for long.
I will pray about this,
and you guys who are reading, pray for me too ok?
In case you guys who don't know my prayer topics well enough, I will list it all down now.
1.To know satan better so i can defeat him.
2.To only want god,be happy in any circumstance knowing i have him is enough.
3.Realize that I already succeeded , because i have him.
4.Loneliness issues. Pray that i have things to keep me preoccupied, and to have many and more friends in christ instead of worldly friends.
5.To be stronger, can fight against s with help of god of course
6.My other interpersonal relationships which affect my rs with god.
I really believe happiness is on its way.
To everlasting blissful days.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
S Beaten down
I felt miserable all morning.
Lifeless, sian, and no mood to do anything.
Oh let me talk about yesterday first.
I was so sad yesterday, I cried while talking to HJ.
But i felt really ok after i left church and i met rebecca in central before she leaves for Cambodia.
And while we were talking, after hearing her own set of dramas which she also have (lol) ,
I can't help but feel that she ain't leading a right life,
and although I am miserable, I am at least doing something.
And the best things to counter my misery now are:
1.Love being alone with god
2.Spend most of my time in church and don't leave early
3.I still need resilance, pray for it
4.I have to constantly be close to god
5.Read the bible EVERY night
6.Find my 'hiding spot' or something to do which can make me feel instantly at ease
7.Help people and spread the gospel during my misery
8.Do my jobs well, god is testing me
9.Adjust my motto in life to 'life is a temporary assignment.'
10.stop focusing on non tangible things like money, looks, bags :( , popularity etc.
11.Rid of my wrong thinking -like friends can bring me happiness
Also, I really saw how much god loves me.
Today 20/2/10-I went to work, i felt miserable all morning, Nothing could make me happy, nothing could make me smile. I felt like a withered flower with no hope! And roughly around 11am, i saw god's grace and god's smiling face.
lst evidence-I know that on my birthday, i will definately have company-My cousin and friends. And i felt a little bad for feeling happy and thankful to god only when i have company, but HONESTLY, after this incident, I really felt that I really cannot rely on my friends to be happy anymore, so i didnt felt too happy too. Its a mixed feeling.
2nd Evidence-The fact that I can always find people when i am at my most desperate situations. I heard god's voice telling me this when i was in the bathroom. When i heard that, i felt very convicted and cried. I know i dont have many asking me out all the time, but i know i can find a friend whenever i am down.
3rd Evidence-Other than all these outside friends, i still have many loved ones around me. God sent two angels into my life-HJ and SY, and also my family and Jiajun, Eric. Both of them always try their very best for me. Not the kind you think. They are just 2 very loyal friends who'll definately find time when i am sad. Gotta pray about treasuring them and see what god says.
4th Evidence-God explained things to me here and there throughout the day.
1.Your friends are busy, you cannot rely on them, and its not that they dont love you and don't care, but you cant expect much frm them. Even if they do love you, without god, they are very fragile and might leave u anytime. hence you really cannot expect anything frm them. You can be with them but you can't expect any happiness frm them now.
And you should use this chance to completely rid of this issue and really experience the love and joy which only jesus can bring you.
The more sad i am, the more i look for jesus. The more i look for jesus, the more i learn to live without them. The more i learn, the more i grow, the more i grow, the more i get closer to god until the day i totally only want god, and that time i will 'prosper and be truly fortunate.'
Because i know god wants to give me true happiness.
5th Evidence-I had a busy saturday.
And somehow, after realizing these facts, I found that i could survive, i could move on .And after the steamboat session at my cousin's house, I went to amk central ALONE, and walked around happily. I never felt this peace in awhile. This beats being with a friend whom i know doesnt care that much, his/her mind filled entirelly with worldly things, just here because i asked. And the best part was i could hear god talking to me sometimes.
I took a lot of photos of amk central lol but i couldnt upload. Dumb iphone.
And when i came home, there was a adorable four legged creature waiting for me. :)
I guess I dont need many friends after all.
Maybe 2 Spiritual friends is enough. :)
I just want to say that I hope i can be of any help to any sister in the future. Because i really understood how its like to be very bothered by small things and to be 'grilled' like this when you're such a new believer. Its not easy. Thats why god is a miracle.
These few days , I learnt that
Lifeless, sian, and no mood to do anything.
Oh let me talk about yesterday first.
I was so sad yesterday, I cried while talking to HJ.
But i felt really ok after i left church and i met rebecca in central before she leaves for Cambodia.
And while we were talking, after hearing her own set of dramas which she also have (lol) ,
I can't help but feel that she ain't leading a right life,
and although I am miserable, I am at least doing something.
And the best things to counter my misery now are:
1.Love being alone with god
2.Spend most of my time in church and don't leave early
3.I still need resilance, pray for it
4.I have to constantly be close to god
5.Read the bible EVERY night
6.Find my 'hiding spot' or something to do which can make me feel instantly at ease
7.Help people and spread the gospel during my misery
8.Do my jobs well, god is testing me
9.Adjust my motto in life to 'life is a temporary assignment.'
10.stop focusing on non tangible things like money, looks, bags :( , popularity etc.
11.Rid of my wrong thinking -like friends can bring me happiness
Also, I really saw how much god loves me.
Today 20/2/10-I went to work, i felt miserable all morning, Nothing could make me happy, nothing could make me smile. I felt like a withered flower with no hope! And roughly around 11am, i saw god's grace and god's smiling face.
lst evidence-I know that on my birthday, i will definately have company-My cousin and friends. And i felt a little bad for feeling happy and thankful to god only when i have company, but HONESTLY, after this incident, I really felt that I really cannot rely on my friends to be happy anymore, so i didnt felt too happy too. Its a mixed feeling.
2nd Evidence-The fact that I can always find people when i am at my most desperate situations. I heard god's voice telling me this when i was in the bathroom. When i heard that, i felt very convicted and cried. I know i dont have many asking me out all the time, but i know i can find a friend whenever i am down.
3rd Evidence-Other than all these outside friends, i still have many loved ones around me. God sent two angels into my life-HJ and SY, and also my family and Jiajun, Eric. Both of them always try their very best for me. Not the kind you think. They are just 2 very loyal friends who'll definately find time when i am sad. Gotta pray about treasuring them and see what god says.
4th Evidence-God explained things to me here and there throughout the day.
1.Your friends are busy, you cannot rely on them, and its not that they dont love you and don't care, but you cant expect much frm them. Even if they do love you, without god, they are very fragile and might leave u anytime. hence you really cannot expect anything frm them. You can be with them but you can't expect any happiness frm them now.
And you should use this chance to completely rid of this issue and really experience the love and joy which only jesus can bring you.
The more sad i am, the more i look for jesus. The more i look for jesus, the more i learn to live without them. The more i learn, the more i grow, the more i grow, the more i get closer to god until the day i totally only want god, and that time i will 'prosper and be truly fortunate.'
Because i know god wants to give me true happiness.
5th Evidence-I had a busy saturday.
And somehow, after realizing these facts, I found that i could survive, i could move on .And after the steamboat session at my cousin's house, I went to amk central ALONE, and walked around happily. I never felt this peace in awhile. This beats being with a friend whom i know doesnt care that much, his/her mind filled entirelly with worldly things, just here because i asked. And the best part was i could hear god talking to me sometimes.
I took a lot of photos of amk central lol but i couldnt upload. Dumb iphone.
And when i came home, there was a adorable four legged creature waiting for me. :)
I guess I dont need many friends after all.
Maybe 2 Spiritual friends is enough. :)
I just want to say that I hope i can be of any help to any sister in the future. Because i really understood how its like to be very bothered by small things and to be 'grilled' like this when you're such a new believer. Its not easy. Thats why god is a miracle.
These few days , I learnt that
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Good Addiction
God is great, all the time.
I heard this phrase once, when i was younger.
Now when i look back at few weeks ago, or even months ago,
i gotta admit that I'm different.
I havent been so upset in awhile,
but i also havent experienced god in a long time.
I realize when your spirit is not right, it really makes you very sad.
Small things make me sad.
Big things make me MISERABLE.
thats how it started.
I have been telling myself this- I will chang4 fan3 diao4 with satan FROM NOW ON.
And of course while i am doing this, I know god wont let me down.
Today i experienced so many attacks.
But i know that if i pull through mentally, it'd definately be different.
Well, nothing really big happened.
But my mood-it was quite stable.
After work, I met Eddie to pass him the book which i bought for him.
When he saw the book, he looked very surprised,and i felt really weird.
I was surprised that I still felt something, and on his side, he kept wanting to return me something, buy me a drink, return me money or sth i dont know what.
But little did i know of what i have done, and that i wanted him to feel guilty.
Which i think he did. And it made me see a little grace at that moment,
not because he felt bad, but more of he really aint a good guy, dont have many friends, and a lot of his bad points which i kinda saw.
And his friend is a cocky bastard.
But anw, I feel very sorry for his gf.
And I want to make sure he returns me something for my birthday,
and its not a simple gift.
But if he doesnt, by that time i'd have forgotten.
Somehow I saw myself rejecting all the negative thoughts about having no friends and no boyfriend.
And when i reject them, i see myself indulging in this feeling which only god and me understands.
I know the more i suffer, the more i gain.
I suffer for a reason!
And god loves me.
I spent the day doing work, trying to do something meaningful,
I know nobody contacted me.
But i tried to look on the bright side.
Its kinda sad, but i know its satans tricks.
And strangely after work, after i passed the book to my friend, I went alone to United square to help chew see her branded bags, and I was chatting with the boss when my cousin called me and mentioned she wanted to look for me.
And I indulged myself by buying a branded bag. :(
But of course its good.
And when i got home, it was 9pm already and i felt so sleepy.
But i still had an attack, I went to fb, i saw something that made me feel a little better.
He was 'apologizing' on fb.
I guess i cant think of anyone but myself.
I KNEW THAT ONE DAY HE'D REGRET.
And i've already seen so much grace frm god, Its really time to let this person go.
The only reason why i cant let go is because i thought i could have a chance with this person,
but its gone suddenly.
But I prayed for it to end quickly anw.
But now god, i pray for it to end NOW.
I let go of the ghost of you and me.
And you.
FROM NOW ON, I'll be blessed.
More blessed than all of you.
Its not a joke.
I will believe in this till the day i have it.
Thank you god for giving me this shit.
Cos i am different.
I am meant to live for eternity.
I heard this phrase once, when i was younger.
Now when i look back at few weeks ago, or even months ago,
i gotta admit that I'm different.
I havent been so upset in awhile,
but i also havent experienced god in a long time.
I realize when your spirit is not right, it really makes you very sad.
Small things make me sad.
Big things make me MISERABLE.
thats how it started.
I have been telling myself this- I will chang4 fan3 diao4 with satan FROM NOW ON.
And of course while i am doing this, I know god wont let me down.
Today i experienced so many attacks.
But i know that if i pull through mentally, it'd definately be different.
Well, nothing really big happened.
But my mood-it was quite stable.
After work, I met Eddie to pass him the book which i bought for him.
When he saw the book, he looked very surprised,and i felt really weird.
I was surprised that I still felt something, and on his side, he kept wanting to return me something, buy me a drink, return me money or sth i dont know what.
But little did i know of what i have done, and that i wanted him to feel guilty.
Which i think he did. And it made me see a little grace at that moment,
not because he felt bad, but more of he really aint a good guy, dont have many friends, and a lot of his bad points which i kinda saw.
And his friend is a cocky bastard.
But anw, I feel very sorry for his gf.
And I want to make sure he returns me something for my birthday,
and its not a simple gift.
But if he doesnt, by that time i'd have forgotten.
Somehow I saw myself rejecting all the negative thoughts about having no friends and no boyfriend.
And when i reject them, i see myself indulging in this feeling which only god and me understands.
I know the more i suffer, the more i gain.
I suffer for a reason!
And god loves me.
I spent the day doing work, trying to do something meaningful,
I know nobody contacted me.
But i tried to look on the bright side.
Its kinda sad, but i know its satans tricks.
And strangely after work, after i passed the book to my friend, I went alone to United square to help chew see her branded bags, and I was chatting with the boss when my cousin called me and mentioned she wanted to look for me.
And I indulged myself by buying a branded bag. :(
But of course its good.
And when i got home, it was 9pm already and i felt so sleepy.
But i still had an attack, I went to fb, i saw something that made me feel a little better.
He was 'apologizing' on fb.
I guess i cant think of anyone but myself.
I KNEW THAT ONE DAY HE'D REGRET.
And i've already seen so much grace frm god, Its really time to let this person go.
The only reason why i cant let go is because i thought i could have a chance with this person,
but its gone suddenly.
But I prayed for it to end quickly anw.
But now god, i pray for it to end NOW.
I let go of the ghost of you and me.
And you.
FROM NOW ON, I'll be blessed.
More blessed than all of you.
Its not a joke.
I will believe in this till the day i have it.
Thank you god for giving me this shit.
Cos i am different.
I am meant to live for eternity.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
This is the first time I am blogging in this spiritual blog instead of the other worldy blog at work.
I am more fortunate than others because I can blog and slack anytime I want to.
I have so much to say.
Last two nights i have been receiving lots of attacks from satan.
I really wanted to call shiya and huijun to tell them about the miracle i experienced in the previous post, and also talk to them but both of them were busy.
I felt quite lonely but I do recall HJ telling me that maybe god wants me to turn to him instead.
Hence i calmed down and went to exercise, and HJ replied me and told me to call her tmr instead :)
I felt better and went to exercise, den watched some shows before i sleep.
And of course, i spent some time thinking of my friend-which made me a little annoyed.
I know its not because of him that i feel this way.
Its because of satan.
I went to work, argued with mum and the rest of the day i couldnt really see god's grace, I went to my friend's house for a gathering, i felt that i have drifted away frm them, even my christian friend, and i went home feeling intensely sorrowful. Was walking frm her house to the bus stop , when I felt so tired physically and mentally that i wanted to sit down at her void deck to sleep and dont care about anything. But i forced myself to take a bus home and when i got home i bathed immediately and called HJ.
I was very happy to talk to her.
She reminded me that all these are for a reason, a tipping point.
I have always been tortured by these issues:
1.No one reply my sms.
2.No one sms me every morning.
3.No one sms me when i sleep.
4.I dont get asked out everyday.
5.My friends have 'no time for me'.
6.When i am bored i have to 'beg pple to go out'.
and so on.
I realize satan LOVES to attack me in these areas.
BUT NO LONGER.
Because if i let him continue to attack me in these areas,
I'd eventually leave church one day.
Or i'd have unstable grace like what HJ said.
when i look back at my old posts and think about my previous days before i started going to church regularly,
its not that different.
I still have issues with my friends and etc.
But why did i feel so miserable only now?
Its undoubtedly satan, and definately because i have changed , and I expect more frm god.
But i wont be cheated this time.
I do realize its the same shit all these time, just that its from different people, maybe from my close friends, maybe from a crush. But its all the same shit. All from satan.
And i'll lead my life the same way i did when i felt very contented with god last year.
I mean if you talk about this in a logical way even, its like I have even more friends than last year, and my old friends, although i am not so close with them now, but its not like we have been like SUPER SUPER close and i am able to share my problems with them all these time.
Its always the same.
I should be glad that they are still my friends although i said and did so much things which might have hurt them.
And after so long, although I am constantly unhappy with them, they are still my friends, when i need some sonsolation, they will somehow provide me with the consoles that i need.
I have probably been blaming them when i am lonely, hence its not fair to them, and thats probably why I have been having problems with them.
Satan is really an expert.
Next time when i start to have hints of loneliness again,
I WILL TURN TO GOD.
Satan are you scared now?
My problems will be gone soon.
And although on the outside I might seem to be the sort without many things,
but i will be strong in spirit.
Satan will return back to hell to burn.
I am more fortunate than others because I can blog and slack anytime I want to.
I have so much to say.
Last two nights i have been receiving lots of attacks from satan.
I really wanted to call shiya and huijun to tell them about the miracle i experienced in the previous post, and also talk to them but both of them were busy.
I felt quite lonely but I do recall HJ telling me that maybe god wants me to turn to him instead.
Hence i calmed down and went to exercise, and HJ replied me and told me to call her tmr instead :)
I felt better and went to exercise, den watched some shows before i sleep.
And of course, i spent some time thinking of my friend-which made me a little annoyed.
I know its not because of him that i feel this way.
Its because of satan.
I went to work, argued with mum and the rest of the day i couldnt really see god's grace, I went to my friend's house for a gathering, i felt that i have drifted away frm them, even my christian friend, and i went home feeling intensely sorrowful. Was walking frm her house to the bus stop , when I felt so tired physically and mentally that i wanted to sit down at her void deck to sleep and dont care about anything. But i forced myself to take a bus home and when i got home i bathed immediately and called HJ.
I was very happy to talk to her.
She reminded me that all these are for a reason, a tipping point.
I have always been tortured by these issues:
1.No one reply my sms.
2.No one sms me every morning.
3.No one sms me when i sleep.
4.I dont get asked out everyday.
5.My friends have 'no time for me'.
6.When i am bored i have to 'beg pple to go out'.
and so on.
I realize satan LOVES to attack me in these areas.
BUT NO LONGER.
Because if i let him continue to attack me in these areas,
I'd eventually leave church one day.
Or i'd have unstable grace like what HJ said.
when i look back at my old posts and think about my previous days before i started going to church regularly,
its not that different.
I still have issues with my friends and etc.
But why did i feel so miserable only now?
Its undoubtedly satan, and definately because i have changed , and I expect more frm god.
But i wont be cheated this time.
I do realize its the same shit all these time, just that its from different people, maybe from my close friends, maybe from a crush. But its all the same shit. All from satan.
And i'll lead my life the same way i did when i felt very contented with god last year.
I mean if you talk about this in a logical way even, its like I have even more friends than last year, and my old friends, although i am not so close with them now, but its not like we have been like SUPER SUPER close and i am able to share my problems with them all these time.
Its always the same.
I should be glad that they are still my friends although i said and did so much things which might have hurt them.
And after so long, although I am constantly unhappy with them, they are still my friends, when i need some sonsolation, they will somehow provide me with the consoles that i need.
I have probably been blaming them when i am lonely, hence its not fair to them, and thats probably why I have been having problems with them.
Satan is really an expert.
Next time when i start to have hints of loneliness again,
I WILL TURN TO GOD.
Satan are you scared now?
My problems will be gone soon.
And although on the outside I might seem to be the sort without many things,
but i will be strong in spirit.
Satan will return back to hell to burn.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The blog that cheers me up
It was an ok day,
quite a good morning.
In the afternoon,
my cousins said they wanted to play left 4 dead , so we went to play.
And when we were playing it, i kept getting disconnected and I didnt know how to play,
and i was very scared and annoyed, i was very surprised that i could get annoyed over such a trivial matter.
We left to buy bubble tea and went home for dinner.
On the way home we saw mum walking muffin, my sis and me got down her bf's car to chase muffin and mum.
Suddenly i realized that I have always been blessed with my family and friends,
although i experience loneliness ,
It does not mean i have to be unhappy with my current situation and forgo all the other great things that god have in store for me.
God just want to train me.
Yes its difficult now,
but i still have to buck up so that i can treasure my loved ones.
and yes i need god very much.
Also, i have seen how satan is,
he always ruins my mood when its at its best,
Today in the evening, he tempted me to go online to visit facebook,
and fortunately god protected me.
I could never see his profile again.
Fb is really evil.
I will del it and stay away after 2 or 3 months.
I need prayers.
Pray for me.
:)
quite a good morning.
In the afternoon,
my cousins said they wanted to play left 4 dead , so we went to play.
And when we were playing it, i kept getting disconnected and I didnt know how to play,
and i was very scared and annoyed, i was very surprised that i could get annoyed over such a trivial matter.
We left to buy bubble tea and went home for dinner.
On the way home we saw mum walking muffin, my sis and me got down her bf's car to chase muffin and mum.
Suddenly i realized that I have always been blessed with my family and friends,
although i experience loneliness ,
It does not mean i have to be unhappy with my current situation and forgo all the other great things that god have in store for me.
God just want to train me.
Yes its difficult now,
but i still have to buck up so that i can treasure my loved ones.
and yes i need god very much.
Also, i have seen how satan is,
he always ruins my mood when its at its best,
Today in the evening, he tempted me to go online to visit facebook,
and fortunately god protected me.
I could never see his profile again.
Fb is really evil.
I will del it and stay away after 2 or 3 months.
I need prayers.
Pray for me.
:)
Monday, February 15, 2010
Miracles
I was still feeling a bit down but very much encouraged before i went to sleep,
and i was convincing myself that after hearing from shiya,
perhaps its really a good time to 'fight back' and after that let bygones be bygones,
and after doing what i want to do, i went to sleep with a much lighter heart.
I prayed quite reverently, and after asking god to let me see some 'hints' that i will be fortunate in the future, and i went to sleep.
And around 4am, i received an sms from this person. The person who triggered all these attacks.
I was actually very happy to receive his sms.
And especially at this hour, the only thing that i can think of is he is thinking of me even at this hour.
And moreover he just caught a movie,hes on his way home, and i didnt know what happened or something, he suddenly decided to sms me after 'i gave him the silent treatment' .
Even mentioned he wanted to look for me to collect this book that i got him at 9am-10am when he is only home at 4am.
Initially i felt sweet and happy, but i remembered that he has a gf, so i controlled myself very well,
and the only thing that remained in my thoughts was that god loves me so much that he answered my prayer immediately. He wanted to tell me that he can give me anything i want, and he can control everything around me, he is letting me know that everything can be possible, i just need to pray and believe , and let him do the amazing work.
Also, this thing is important to me because it involved a lot of pride, and I am glad that throughout this time, I never did take any initiative, its all god's protection..and even till the 'end' , he was the one who always took the initiative-i did not lose anything during the process of my spiritual growth.
I was so shocked by god's 'miracle' that i only fell asleep at 6am after playing taptap revenge for about 30 mins.
And I had a wonderful dream which i woke up feeling happy and contented.
Aalthough i still feel a little hurt, I know that this is not for nothing,
And i already have the best ending i could have at this stage as he is not meant for me,
and through him, i see these affirmations:
1.I can attract a guy which is my type
2.I don't have to do anything to make a guy like me because god have planned it for me already.
3.God loves me so much that he wants me to lose nothing even though he wants to train me.
4.GOD LOVES ME SO MUCH.
5.We have to be very close to god, cos any small mistake can really cause a lot of spiritual problems, and even for a long period of time.
6.Never forgo church for anything.
7.Church is the safest place to go to when feeling unhappy.
8.If it is meant to be, god will pave the way, and e verything will go well without doing anything.
9.I am already blessed.
10.When the spirit is correct, everything goes well.
:)
God loves us!
To even more glorious days.
and i was convincing myself that after hearing from shiya,
perhaps its really a good time to 'fight back' and after that let bygones be bygones,
and after doing what i want to do, i went to sleep with a much lighter heart.
I prayed quite reverently, and after asking god to let me see some 'hints' that i will be fortunate in the future, and i went to sleep.
And around 4am, i received an sms from this person. The person who triggered all these attacks.
I was actually very happy to receive his sms.
And especially at this hour, the only thing that i can think of is he is thinking of me even at this hour.
And moreover he just caught a movie,hes on his way home, and i didnt know what happened or something, he suddenly decided to sms me after 'i gave him the silent treatment' .
Even mentioned he wanted to look for me to collect this book that i got him at 9am-10am when he is only home at 4am.
Initially i felt sweet and happy, but i remembered that he has a gf, so i controlled myself very well,
and the only thing that remained in my thoughts was that god loves me so much that he answered my prayer immediately. He wanted to tell me that he can give me anything i want, and he can control everything around me, he is letting me know that everything can be possible, i just need to pray and believe , and let him do the amazing work.
Also, this thing is important to me because it involved a lot of pride, and I am glad that throughout this time, I never did take any initiative, its all god's protection..and even till the 'end' , he was the one who always took the initiative-i did not lose anything during the process of my spiritual growth.
I was so shocked by god's 'miracle' that i only fell asleep at 6am after playing taptap revenge for about 30 mins.
And I had a wonderful dream which i woke up feeling happy and contented.
Aalthough i still feel a little hurt, I know that this is not for nothing,
And i already have the best ending i could have at this stage as he is not meant for me,
and through him, i see these affirmations:
1.I can attract a guy which is my type
2.I don't have to do anything to make a guy like me because god have planned it for me already.
3.God loves me so much that he wants me to lose nothing even though he wants to train me.
4.GOD LOVES ME SO MUCH.
5.We have to be very close to god, cos any small mistake can really cause a lot of spiritual problems, and even for a long period of time.
6.Never forgo church for anything.
7.Church is the safest place to go to when feeling unhappy.
8.If it is meant to be, god will pave the way, and e verything will go well without doing anything.
9.I am already blessed.
10.When the spirit is correct, everything goes well.
:)
God loves us!
To even more glorious days.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
First entry
Happy Chinese new year to everyone.
This is my first post, I am still wondering whether i should spread the gospel via this blog, as i am often very weak and upset, i am afraid it'd create the wrong impression.
But the good thing is, this blog can actually show satan's true colors, and this blog could be an aid/hope/console to other women in the future.
As i'm writing this entry, i actually feel very upset.
I often feel that i am not ugly and all, but why is it so difficult to find someone?(a bf.) I thought of many possibilities(accusations) which are nonetheless given by satan.
1.I am eccentric.
2.My character sucks.
3.I can't express myself properly.
4.I have no confidence in my love life.
5.I am too fierce and honest.
6.I lost to the battle of the budge.
7. I don't have clear complexion.
8.I am eccentric.
9.I am eccentric.
10.I have short attention span.
And of course this accusation-eccentricity , is probably a way to protect myself. By nature, i have always been a happy person, and honesty is my best character trait. I was 'normal', in the sense that i never thought of myself as a weird person, and no one did. But ever since i realize that life is painful, and no matter what i still have to move on, but i can't, so i have to suppress my sadness and pain and in the long run, i actually became a bit 'weird' and have short attention span. I am very sure that none of you have ever seen the 'real me.' You can ask Sophia haha.
Anyway, back to the present sad story. I have a huge fear of liking and loving somebody because of my past experiences. Its not anything morbid, but there were scenarios like :
1.Guy A and me like eachother, but in the end i realized he had a gf.
2.Guy B likes ah-lians, neurotics, etc.
3.I said something wrong, and Guy C left.
and so on. And of course the worse is the recent one-4.Guy D is probably just playing with me, but i am clever because i did not express anything , and he was the idiot who sent me home :) Thanks to god's protection.
And of course, he had facebook like i had, and its very difficult to not go to facebook, knowing that i can at least check on how is he doing, is he really with someone else, and so on. And i went in abt 1 hour ago, and of course i saw stuff that i did not want to see. Its just a picture but it can actually hurt me so much. I am not afraid to admit. I was so angry that i went online to post his number, i was so overcome by anger and hatred that i was glaring at my screen when i saw that. But while i was about to log in to another website to continue spreading his number, i heard god's voice telling me: 'Jingwen, does this make you happier? Do you think it'd be easier to let this go by forgiving him or hating him?' when i heard that, i actually felt convicted, and i decided that i should just accept it as part and parcel of a christian life, as i would only hunger god if i have obstacles. People who are happily in love and are 'fortunate' don't want god. They feel that they don't need him. But for us, we know god is like water. we would die without him. Same for me. I know that the purpose of my suffering is to lead someone, or a group of pple for all i know.
I am suffering for a reason.
I am not suffering for nothing.
My suffering will bring people joy.
My suffering is for me to understand other sisters/brothers situations better.
and so on.
The thing is, god have been telling me again and again, or rather telling through my dear sisters that :
I am blessed, I am already in the best situation, My sufferings are for a reason etc..
But i cannot accept it previously.
But now, I know that i have no choice but to accept it, because Jesus is the only one who can break the curse,
He is the only one who can lead me to true happiness.
Its painful for now,
and the only thing that keeps me going is GOD,
and my friends and FAMILY, who cant wait to see a better me.
I have been upset for so long,
and i didnt feel much happiness until i came to christ.
I saw what he had done for me,
I saw how much he loved me,
so i cant understand why he wouldnt want to bless me.
I am grateful .
And although this pain is still here,
I can only pray and it'd be gone tmr i promise.
In the future, I can see myself being the most fortunate woman on earth.
TO BETTER DAYS!
:)
This is my first post, I am still wondering whether i should spread the gospel via this blog, as i am often very weak and upset, i am afraid it'd create the wrong impression.
But the good thing is, this blog can actually show satan's true colors, and this blog could be an aid/hope/console to other women in the future.
As i'm writing this entry, i actually feel very upset.
I often feel that i am not ugly and all, but why is it so difficult to find someone?(a bf.) I thought of many possibilities(accusations) which are nonetheless given by satan.
1.I am eccentric.
2.My character sucks.
3.I can't express myself properly.
4.I have no confidence in my love life.
5.I am too fierce and honest.
6.I lost to the battle of the budge.
7. I don't have clear complexion.
8.I am eccentric.
9.I am eccentric.
10.I have short attention span.
And of course this accusation-eccentricity , is probably a way to protect myself. By nature, i have always been a happy person, and honesty is my best character trait. I was 'normal', in the sense that i never thought of myself as a weird person, and no one did. But ever since i realize that life is painful, and no matter what i still have to move on, but i can't, so i have to suppress my sadness and pain and in the long run, i actually became a bit 'weird' and have short attention span. I am very sure that none of you have ever seen the 'real me.' You can ask Sophia haha.
Anyway, back to the present sad story. I have a huge fear of liking and loving somebody because of my past experiences. Its not anything morbid, but there were scenarios like :
1.Guy A and me like eachother, but in the end i realized he had a gf.
2.Guy B likes ah-lians, neurotics, etc.
3.I said something wrong, and Guy C left.
and so on. And of course the worse is the recent one-4.Guy D is probably just playing with me, but i am clever because i did not express anything , and he was the idiot who sent me home :) Thanks to god's protection.
And of course, he had facebook like i had, and its very difficult to not go to facebook, knowing that i can at least check on how is he doing, is he really with someone else, and so on. And i went in abt 1 hour ago, and of course i saw stuff that i did not want to see. Its just a picture but it can actually hurt me so much. I am not afraid to admit. I was so angry that i went online to post his number, i was so overcome by anger and hatred that i was glaring at my screen when i saw that. But while i was about to log in to another website to continue spreading his number, i heard god's voice telling me: 'Jingwen, does this make you happier? Do you think it'd be easier to let this go by forgiving him or hating him?' when i heard that, i actually felt convicted, and i decided that i should just accept it as part and parcel of a christian life, as i would only hunger god if i have obstacles. People who are happily in love and are 'fortunate' don't want god. They feel that they don't need him. But for us, we know god is like water. we would die without him. Same for me. I know that the purpose of my suffering is to lead someone, or a group of pple for all i know.
I am suffering for a reason.
I am not suffering for nothing.
My suffering will bring people joy.
My suffering is for me to understand other sisters/brothers situations better.
and so on.
The thing is, god have been telling me again and again, or rather telling through my dear sisters that :
I am blessed, I am already in the best situation, My sufferings are for a reason etc..
But i cannot accept it previously.
But now, I know that i have no choice but to accept it, because Jesus is the only one who can break the curse,
He is the only one who can lead me to true happiness.
Its painful for now,
and the only thing that keeps me going is GOD,
and my friends and FAMILY, who cant wait to see a better me.
I have been upset for so long,
and i didnt feel much happiness until i came to christ.
I saw what he had done for me,
I saw how much he loved me,
so i cant understand why he wouldnt want to bless me.
I am grateful .
And although this pain is still here,
I can only pray and it'd be gone tmr i promise.
In the future, I can see myself being the most fortunate woman on earth.
TO BETTER DAYS!
:)
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