Like this

I actually had an entry typed out this morning and i even listed it, but it did not appear.
The whole day today and yesterday, It was fine.
Lets talk about yesterday-Friday.
I had a terrible tiff with my mother in the car when we are on our way to work.
As we are quarreling, I was surprised that she actually wanted me to :
1.go do charity work with her so that my life will change
2.change my terrible character
and so on.
It was like she is speaking like satan,
accusing me, making me feel bad, and then try to make me go the wrong way.
I was very very baffled.
And it suddenly came to me that most of all these time, she have been made use of to tell me such things.
Although i know that I definitely have a part to play in all these criticism,
I know that satan have been using her to affect me in those areas which i am weak at.
How do i know that?
Because,
1.She have always been trying to get me to change my life by her own Buddhist ways.
2.She keep telling me that my life is useless, i go church also no use.
3.She keep trying to get my friends to go temple, which she succeeded a few times.
4.She makes me feel guilty and bad. I feel that I have to go her dumb temple to do charity work for her cos shes my mum.
5.She have been trying to convince me to be a Buddhist.
6.Her words affect me very badly, till the extend I feel so depressed I dont want to talk to anyone.
7.Her words make me feel that God doesnt love me.
8.Her words and actions make me very afraid of talking to her, makes me wanna hide.
9.I am very afraid to speak to her.
10.We have been having tension. Cos we quarrelled too much, we dont feel the mother and daughter love sometimes.
Its very weird.
And after the quarrell, I felt so guilty that i had to promise to go do charity work .
Its damn sad.
After that, the whole day felt quite shitty.
I called a friend and he didnt answer as he is asleep.
During late afternoon, I had an argument with Jiajun.
I really feel that I can't talk to him anymore.
The only thing i can do for him is to pray for him.
And i should really maintain a far away distance from him.
He affected my mood and It made me feel that God really didn't want to give me any release.
But i recognized that its satan, and I forced myself to meet Jayson for dinner and went to church.
Thankfully, the dinner with Jayson was ok.
And upon reaching church everything was ok,
I could feel the concern from those lovely people.
Its not like the outside friends.
I heard about the 7 spirits which the other time Wengang commented on my post,and i didn't exactly see that i have all 7.
But somehow after hearing that, i feel very confident and touched.
I received this msg in the bathroom again this morning that one day god really will fulfill all his promises.It just seems very real now, right now at this moment. And no one or anything can take it away.
I guess God wants to tell me:
1.God will give me everything i need and always wanted which i thought its difficult to have.
2.God will protect me and train me.He will give me what i want at the right time.
3.God will use me for the right things and make me a useful person.
4.God will always be there, the end of my sufferings is near.
5.God will always restore peace in my heart, one day i dont even need to be a constant church goer to feel peace, in fact, my prayers have been working so much better recently.
6.God will fulfill me.
7.God will change me.
8.God loves me.
And so on,which i cant really express or remember.
Upon realizing these, that all those problems satan gave are just like temporary brusies , or ant bites, I feel stronger to overcome this curse.
I guess I have a strong armor now which is my hatred for Satan and my desire to get out of this situation asap.
Also, I have been praying 3 times day or more to protect my heart mind and spirit, and when i do , it works almost immediately.
I prayed to God to make all my saturdays and Sundays peaceful days, in the past i would have felt that this is escaping from the problem,
but what exactly is the problem??
Is it the problem of not having enough friends?
Is it just about forcing happiness out from doing boring and stupid things, and trying hard to convince myself that sats and suns should be family day, when all i do is argue with them?
This time round, I look at it in a different way.
By praying to have meaningful and happy sats and sundays,
I am facing this PROBLEM, which is in short-LONELINESS, caused by boredom and definately SATAN, with the help of God and in his name, i can chase away all those negative entities which are geopardizing my happiness and relationship with God.
Why am i denied of a happy weekend?
And why do i have to accept unhappiness, thinking its part of leading a matured adult's life?
Matured pEOPLe, some more chrisitian, must be unhappy during weekends meh???
Its rubbish.
I've been praying about my sats and suns,
and i know God will give me everything and anything because i am his most beloved.
So why cant i ask for even a sunny weekend?
Hence, i prayed reverently, and today i had a invitation from Shiya(not Rachel) to go out, and the entire day, i found myself running here and there to get my stuffs dont before meeting Shiya.
In the past, even when i take naps, I feel upset when i wake up.
But this time, I even felt ok when i took a nap.
Aand after which we met up together in the evening.
It was really blessed time together although they know nothing of how i felt inside,
And all we talked about are like worldly stuff.
But i realize they have been my friends for so long,
And they have this heart to invlude me in their lives .
Maybe i have been condemning myself too much to an extent that i didnt thought i'd have any friends,
But now i realize that help is on its way.
When i confirmed this, things just automatically look better.
Everything that i am going through,
every pain/sadness that i have now will only make things look EVEN Better and more meaningful in the future.
I am not a weak person, and i love myself.
And God loves me and i have my own special personality and other things.
I can't understand how things can be good when you are often accused and condemned by 'yourself'.
Its really ENTIRELY ABOUT ACCUSATIONS.
All our problems stem from there.
It took me awhile to realize this.
From now on, nothing else seems important anymore.
All problems, lies blah blah.
It just seems like it turned into dust overnight.
And i'd just buy time and do my best, of course learn on the way.
But of course, God will surprise me.
He wont let me 'buy time'.
He would let me Enjoy time .
He really works in his own mysterious and wonderful ways.
So i shall just wait and see patiently.
I can't promise that i'd be this strong forever, but for now i can.
I know happiness is on its way. I just know it.

:)
To a blessed future.