First entry

Happy Chinese new year to everyone.
This is my first post, I am still wondering whether i should spread the gospel via this blog, as i am often very weak and upset, i am afraid it'd create the wrong impression.
But the good thing is, this blog can actually show satan's true colors, and this blog could be an aid/hope/console to other women in the future.
As i'm writing this entry, i actually feel very upset.
I often feel that i am not ugly and all, but why is it so difficult to find someone?(a bf.) I thought of many possibilities(accusations) which are nonetheless given by satan.
1.I am eccentric.
2.My character sucks.
3.I can't express myself properly.
4.I have no confidence in my love life.
5.I am too fierce and honest.
6.I lost to the battle of the budge.
7. I don't have clear complexion.
8.I am eccentric.
9.I am eccentric.
10.I have short attention span.

And of course this accusation-eccentricity , is probably a way to protect myself. By nature, i have always been a happy person, and honesty is my best character trait. I was 'normal', in the sense that i never thought of myself as a weird person, and no one did. But ever since i realize that life is painful, and no matter what i still have to move on, but i can't, so i have to suppress my sadness and pain and in the long run, i actually became a bit 'weird' and have short attention span. I am very sure that none of you have ever seen the 'real me.' You can ask Sophia haha.
Anyway, back to the present sad story. I have a huge fear of liking and loving somebody because of my past experiences. Its not anything morbid, but there were scenarios like :
1.Guy A and me like eachother, but in the end i realized he had a gf.
2.Guy B likes ah-lians, neurotics, etc.
3.I said something wrong, and Guy C left.
and so on. And of course the worse is the recent one-4.Guy D is probably just playing with me, but i am clever because i did not express anything , and he was the idiot who sent me home :) Thanks to god's protection.

And of course, he had facebook like i had, and its very difficult to not go to facebook, knowing that i can at least check on how is he doing, is he really with someone else, and so on. And i went in abt 1 hour ago, and of course i saw stuff that i did not want to see. Its just a picture but it can actually hurt me so much. I am not afraid to admit. I was so angry that i went online to post his number, i was so overcome by anger and hatred that i was glaring at my screen when i saw that. But while i was about to log in to another website to continue spreading his number, i heard god's voice telling me: 'Jingwen, does this make you happier? Do you think it'd be easier to let this go by forgiving him or hating him?' when i heard that, i actually felt convicted, and i decided that i should just accept it as part and parcel of a christian life, as i would only hunger god if i have obstacles. People who are happily in love and are 'fortunate' don't want god. They feel that they don't need him. But for us, we know god is like water. we would die without him. Same for me. I know that the purpose of my suffering is to lead someone, or a group of pple for all i know.
I am suffering for a reason.
I am not suffering for nothing.
My suffering will bring people joy.
My suffering is for me to understand other sisters/brothers situations better.
and so on.

The thing is, god have been telling me again and again, or rather telling through my dear sisters that :
I am blessed, I am already in the best situation, My sufferings are for a reason etc..
But i cannot accept it previously.
But now, I know that i have no choice but to accept it, because Jesus is the only one who can break the curse,
He is the only one who can lead me to true happiness.
Its painful for now,
and the only thing that keeps me going is GOD,
and my friends and FAMILY, who cant wait to see a better me.
I have been upset for so long,
and i didnt feel much happiness until i came to christ.
I saw what he had done for me,
I saw how much he loved me,
so i cant understand why he wouldnt want to bless me.
I am grateful .
And although this pain is still here,
I can only pray and it'd be gone tmr i promise.
In the future, I can see myself being the most fortunate woman on earth.

TO BETTER DAYS!
:)