This week, things became different.
It changed last friday, when i told myself that no matter what happens,God loves me.
Because he has his underlying and beautiful plans made for me.
It happened last sat, when after a nice afternoon after i met Nic.
He was someone that i use to like during much younger days.
I was surprised that I dont like him anymore,
but the nice feeling still retains.
The sort of feeling that tells me that this friend have always been real and nice,
just that he doesnt know how to show.
And yeap he had been nice to me when we were close in the past.
He is just the sort that i can be friends with or like.
And it kinda made me feel that all these while, God have always been looking after me and making sure that i didnt fall for the wrong guy. Why did i say that? Come ask me. Haha long story.
And after the meet up with him, We bumped into Sf at 313.
And while we were talking, he told me again about her,
and how shes becoming negative and so on.
Sometimes you dont have to do anything. What kind of person you are, it will show.
And the feeling is nice now, because we both are not happy with her, but we didn't take it in immature ways and form 'groups' , but whereas we grew closer as friends and got to know eachother like never before.
We said we will not talk about her or them again.
And we've been trying.
:)
We are not like them.
And after that, when i got home ,
she called me, and asked me to go supper.
Another she wanted to pass me present.
Another she whatsapp me.
Call me sensitive,
but i feel that their/her guilt conscience is eating her up,
slowly chomping its way up through her intestines and then to her heart.
No matter how bad a friend is,
how irritating/immature/annoying/stupid/etc a friend is,
u know that he/she wont like it when hear abt you backstabbing her,
u know that she will consider the fact of not being your friend when she hears it.
u know that she will treat u differently after she hears it.
Because she still regard me as her friend, it will make you guilty.
And i am glad she still feels guilty.
I really have nothing to say.
It feels like if i hate her, i am immature, if i am ok with her, i feel very weird.
So the best thing to do, is still to avoid.
And i am ok with it because i know this is part of his Mei3 Yi4.
And through this platform, i saw how much god loves me, and how he can change my life with just prayers.
So i wont consider this as something bad anymore.
And after all these, things just become peaceful and quiet.
No more 'divine discontentment'.
But more like divine peace and hope.
It feels weird, its like i feel peaceful when there are problems that i can solve with prayers.
And when things go well, i dont feel that kind of peace.
After sometime, a lot of things really dont matter anymore.
And anything that happens just wont make me very happy/unhappy anymore.
Until the day i find my true bliss.
My beloved and so on.
Then it'd be perfect haha.
Oh and yes, the korean trip with sophia is making us both so stressed.
Because my mom doesnt like me to take a plane alone as i am super blur and disorienated,
pray for us!
And i do feel a little scared that i am taking plane on my own haha.
Pray for me !
And pray that our trip there will be good. :)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Timely moments
Life is really a bitch.I used 144 mb over, and its like $398... sgd extra.Its f-ing irritating.I was so pissed I went to call singtel and lied that i didnt know its only 20mb,i thought its 1Gb,Anw,I overused so much because i look fwd to soap's replies everyday. :)Every morning, I check my mails and I feel happy when i see her replies.Didnt know that brethen healing takes place overseas.LOL.Anw, I've gotten over my 2 friends.For some reason, after talking to my mum,she told me to forgive them, and realize that no one is perfect thats why we get back stabbed all the time.But if they really value me as a friend,they'd stop talking and tell me face to face.But the thing is, I cant handle criticism well.So probably if they did thought of telling me, It would be disastrous.I guess there are also a lot of things that i didnt do properly,and thats why i left room for them to talk, cos they cant tell me anyway.I received all these from God this morning. He tells me to change myself. Actually its true also.I kept thinking on my part, thinking about why they talk abt me, why they so bad etc.But actually, i should have just reflected on what they talked about me.Like probably, actually, about 50% of what they said is true.Thats quite serious.I think God made this happen because he wanted me to change myself.I've came to this point where i realize i can no longer be spoilt and do whatever i please anymore.Not for anyone.But myself and God.Anw i stillhave to deal with this world.I still meet people daily.whether they are my sisters/brothers.same.Its good that i have problems now.I have convictions and i can testify more.Maybe this is what God wants me to do in the future.I will be a professional testifier.You should have seen the changes in my prayer topics.I kept asking God recently to tell me why i am here for.And i probably realized that no matter how terrible i feel,I still have God.And I can turn to him.All these things are really happening at a timely moment.It feels like its a plan.It feels like God just wants to change me.He wants to create a new life for me. It just feels this way.So i guess every torture on mon-wed is actually leading me closer to his plans.Thinking about this makes things feel much better.I am still happy that i have friends , whether or not they are good.I am happy that i have worldly friends like Eric, Candice, Serene, Xf , Caiyun, Chris and Ah chew, Jiajun.I dont know why i just dont see God's grace previously.I will learn to see more from now on.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I have no other way
My life is not going the way i want.
And my struggles are so real.
But today,
i decide to 'put an end' to my 10 yr friendship with her/them.
I think God wants me to stay away from them.
Its obvious.
Even maybe Sf.
In the next few mths,
I will learn to deal with this.
And I will pray about this everyday,
till the day i have completely forgotten and let go of them.
I am tired of hating her, getting angry at them when i cannot express anything.
There must be a reason why all these are happening when my baptism is drawing near.
And, put it simply,
I am tired of being their friend.
And i think, being alone seems to be better.
I need prayers from all of you more.
Cos I dont know what to do also.
And God responds to me I know.
But I dont know why am i still unhappy.
:(
And my struggles are so real.
But today,
i decide to 'put an end' to my 10 yr friendship with her/them.
I think God wants me to stay away from them.
Its obvious.
Even maybe Sf.
In the next few mths,
I will learn to deal with this.
And I will pray about this everyday,
till the day i have completely forgotten and let go of them.
I am tired of hating her, getting angry at them when i cannot express anything.
There must be a reason why all these are happening when my baptism is drawing near.
And, put it simply,
I am tired of being their friend.
And i think, being alone seems to be better.
I need prayers from all of you more.
Cos I dont know what to do also.
And God responds to me I know.
But I dont know why am i still unhappy.
:(
Sunday, March 21, 2010
To a special friend that is given by God
God works in his many wonderful ways.
Yesterday i was being honoured to be able to speak to Pastor.
After speaking to our blessed Pastor,
I felt happier and weirdly felt like crying during our conversation.
The feeling was abit like God speaking to me through him.
And of course i feel this way when i am speaking to Huijun and Shiya, and others also.
He told me about Brethen Healing too, which inspired this entry.
I was thinking about my walk with god.
11 yrs old-Soap came into my life, and we were very close . Although there were fights, i do recall her telling me about God and how i'd go to hell if i am not a christian. Its like shes trying to scare me, but somehow, i could accept what she said. And She came over to my house with a written salvation prayer, and after saying it together, we attempted to sing songs but failed.LOL. cos we ended up laughing!
during the end of year when we were 11(pri 5), I was very sad because my school wanted to move me from EM1 to EM2 because i did badly for SCIENCE(can u believe it now i aspire to be a pharmacist) and i would be in seperate classes from Soap and my other friends like Yunnie, Cow, and so on.
And on D-day, Soap called me at night and told me she said prayers for me, and scolded me for being so upset about the stream thing and kept mentioning that she prayed for me, i shouldnt be afraid and so on.
And the next day, I was told that i could remain in 6A, and i could still be together with Sophia. :)
I was very amazed by God's work.But i thought its just coincidental.
In primary 6, Soap and me were still close, but i drifted from her a little because she got closer to Yvonne and Meimui, but i got closer to Yunnie and Sylvia. Even back then, Satan still tries to get me away from God. Yunnie and Sylvia always tell me that its weird that i want to be a christian and so on, but i felt that they were stupid.But because of my family (Buddhism) ,I eventually stopped praying and forgotten about christianity.
Sec 1-2 I went to different churches , but not Soap's church as it was probably too far for me or something. And i find that its different from what she told me, and i stopped going when i was in sec 3.
18-Poly year 2, My good friend then -Adelene, she brought me to church. During that time, my life was very dark. I feel that i have no friends, no one, nth. Worst than now. But I felt some peace after i went to her church. But Ade and me cant communicate, probably cos shes very quiet and she doesnt know how to answer me when i ask her for advice.
18-21 years old, i go to church on and off until i was 20 , in Dec, when my grandmother contracted cancer and I prayed for her, even got my cell group friends to pray, and she passed away eventually.
Because of this, i felt angry with God and i left church.
22-I saw how things become different without God, the inner peace is different.
It became more like i should have this or that, then life would be good.
There was once something happened and i cried to God to bring me back to church-after about 1 yr of not going to church.
In Dec/Jan Soap came back, she kept trying to bring me back to church, and she said she kept getting this feeling that i need her help, and i am not happy. And when she saw me, it sort of confirmed her doubts, and somehow, even though we havent met eachother for like so long, I did not feel weird with her, and i felt like she havent gone missing all this time.
I felt happy with her.
Maybe its Brethen Healing.
And we met every weekend, and almost every weekend she'd try her best to get me to church.
She told me that i am famous in LCM, and everyone know me . But i didnt believe her.
One fine day in April, i decided to go to church with her.
And initially , i felt very sian to go.
But after going in, meeting up with HJ, and SY, and Mei-er so on,
I really like the place.
Honestly.
:)
But satan prevented me from coming back.
and in May when Soap went back to US,
I stopped coming.
Only when HJ met me, i listened to her,
and i wonder how come she can know what i needed from just a few sentences,
and how come i can get along with her like i know her for quite long,
and from there, we both could see God's love for me.
Or is it brethen healing?
Why do i feel happy when i see Soap, HJ, SY, and even all cell group members etc, although sometimes my face like Ku Gua Lian, like what HJ said.
I dont know, but looking back,
I really want to thank SOPHIA LEE,
for caring for me and loving me in God,
not loving me in human's ways.
And partly cos of her love that is given by God,
I saw how much i have.
She never stopped trying, even till the end.
She never gave up, even till the end.
God gave me one very faithful friend,
who loved me in God's ways.
And that is way better than having 1,000 worldly friends.
Its because of her love that i am 'fluorishing' and I am changing.
Thinking back about what i said in the past, its very funny and touching .
Soap: "why dont you want to go to church?"
Jingwen: "I think God doesnt love me. He even let my grandma pass away."
Soap:"God has a reason for everything. He ......."
Jingwen:"But i mean everything bad happen, he just say he has a reason is enough.............."
In the first place, will anything bad happen again?
Will it be something so unbearable or even death?
For now, I only know that everything that happens is leading me closer to Him.
And that is enough.
:)
Also I saw his plans.
His timetable for me.
He planned when I would meet Sophia,
when i would meet Adelene,
when i would meet HJ and SY,
and only completely know him now.
when i am at a more mature age,
where i am at a stage where i desire a change,
desire a difference in my life.
He really works in his wondrous ways.
I am very happy he gave me these wonderful people to see me through this.
Now it seems like nth else matters as long as i have him.
:)
I will see a breakthrough in my 'sunday problems' soon.
To hell with you Satan.
Yesterday i was being honoured to be able to speak to Pastor.
After speaking to our blessed Pastor,
I felt happier and weirdly felt like crying during our conversation.
The feeling was abit like God speaking to me through him.
And of course i feel this way when i am speaking to Huijun and Shiya, and others also.
He told me about Brethen Healing too, which inspired this entry.
I was thinking about my walk with god.
11 yrs old-Soap came into my life, and we were very close . Although there were fights, i do recall her telling me about God and how i'd go to hell if i am not a christian. Its like shes trying to scare me, but somehow, i could accept what she said. And She came over to my house with a written salvation prayer, and after saying it together, we attempted to sing songs but failed.LOL. cos we ended up laughing!
during the end of year when we were 11(pri 5), I was very sad because my school wanted to move me from EM1 to EM2 because i did badly for SCIENCE(can u believe it now i aspire to be a pharmacist) and i would be in seperate classes from Soap and my other friends like Yunnie, Cow, and so on.
And on D-day, Soap called me at night and told me she said prayers for me, and scolded me for being so upset about the stream thing and kept mentioning that she prayed for me, i shouldnt be afraid and so on.
And the next day, I was told that i could remain in 6A, and i could still be together with Sophia. :)
I was very amazed by God's work.But i thought its just coincidental.
In primary 6, Soap and me were still close, but i drifted from her a little because she got closer to Yvonne and Meimui, but i got closer to Yunnie and Sylvia. Even back then, Satan still tries to get me away from God. Yunnie and Sylvia always tell me that its weird that i want to be a christian and so on, but i felt that they were stupid.But because of my family (Buddhism) ,I eventually stopped praying and forgotten about christianity.
Sec 1-2 I went to different churches , but not Soap's church as it was probably too far for me or something. And i find that its different from what she told me, and i stopped going when i was in sec 3.
18-Poly year 2, My good friend then -Adelene, she brought me to church. During that time, my life was very dark. I feel that i have no friends, no one, nth. Worst than now. But I felt some peace after i went to her church. But Ade and me cant communicate, probably cos shes very quiet and she doesnt know how to answer me when i ask her for advice.
18-21 years old, i go to church on and off until i was 20 , in Dec, when my grandmother contracted cancer and I prayed for her, even got my cell group friends to pray, and she passed away eventually.
Because of this, i felt angry with God and i left church.
22-I saw how things become different without God, the inner peace is different.
It became more like i should have this or that, then life would be good.
There was once something happened and i cried to God to bring me back to church-after about 1 yr of not going to church.
In Dec/Jan Soap came back, she kept trying to bring me back to church, and she said she kept getting this feeling that i need her help, and i am not happy. And when she saw me, it sort of confirmed her doubts, and somehow, even though we havent met eachother for like so long, I did not feel weird with her, and i felt like she havent gone missing all this time.
I felt happy with her.
Maybe its Brethen Healing.
And we met every weekend, and almost every weekend she'd try her best to get me to church.
She told me that i am famous in LCM, and everyone know me . But i didnt believe her.
One fine day in April, i decided to go to church with her.
And initially , i felt very sian to go.
But after going in, meeting up with HJ, and SY, and Mei-er so on,
I really like the place.
Honestly.
:)
But satan prevented me from coming back.
and in May when Soap went back to US,
I stopped coming.
Only when HJ met me, i listened to her,
and i wonder how come she can know what i needed from just a few sentences,
and how come i can get along with her like i know her for quite long,
and from there, we both could see God's love for me.
Or is it brethen healing?
Why do i feel happy when i see Soap, HJ, SY, and even all cell group members etc, although sometimes my face like Ku Gua Lian, like what HJ said.
I dont know, but looking back,
I really want to thank SOPHIA LEE,
for caring for me and loving me in God,
not loving me in human's ways.
And partly cos of her love that is given by God,
I saw how much i have.
She never stopped trying, even till the end.
She never gave up, even till the end.
God gave me one very faithful friend,
who loved me in God's ways.
And that is way better than having 1,000 worldly friends.
Its because of her love that i am 'fluorishing' and I am changing.
Thinking back about what i said in the past, its very funny and touching .
Soap: "why dont you want to go to church?"
Jingwen: "I think God doesnt love me. He even let my grandma pass away."
Soap:"God has a reason for everything. He ......."
Jingwen:"But i mean everything bad happen, he just say he has a reason is enough.............."
In the first place, will anything bad happen again?
Will it be something so unbearable or even death?
For now, I only know that everything that happens is leading me closer to Him.
And that is enough.
:)
Also I saw his plans.
His timetable for me.
He planned when I would meet Sophia,
when i would meet Adelene,
when i would meet HJ and SY,
and only completely know him now.
when i am at a more mature age,
where i am at a stage where i desire a change,
desire a difference in my life.
He really works in his wondrous ways.
I am very happy he gave me these wonderful people to see me through this.
Now it seems like nth else matters as long as i have him.
:)
I will see a breakthrough in my 'sunday problems' soon.
To hell with you Satan.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
look ahead
I dont know what to do to get myself to think positively,
I cant just think positively immediately.
But I try to look ahead and understand myself.
School isnt so bad.
I guess it came at the right time as I will go to class.
There is this unhappiness with everything.
But I will do something practical.
Sometimes i dont know if God is there.
Cos I seem to be handling everything on my own .
And i seldom hear his voice.
During this period,
I see how vulnerble i am,
and how much one can lie to themselves when things are terrible.
But i will look ahead anyway.
Because i have no choice.
God always say theres a purpose for everything.
I guess his purpose is not revealed to me yet.
I wonder why I am different?
I hate to get affected over such issues.
And hate it when i get accusations.
I can only pray and pray.
I find myself looking at the smallest things and try to be happy about it.
1.Like the fact that I have my own room,
2.Like the freedom i get at work,
3.Like it that Eric have been there for me,
4.Like it that HJ have been there for me,
5.Like it that I have an excuse to drink ppc these days,
6.Like it that I a nice mum who makes nice breakfast for me these days,
7.Like it that my dog actually secretly likes me better, I just treat her a bit better and she'd become very attached to me again
8.Like it that i own a super adorable pup :)
9.Like it that I have nice hair today
10.Like it that I get to go out during work time and run errands for uncle
11.Like it that I am born in a good family, with many who dote on me
12.Like it that no matter how terrible my personality is, somehow one or two people will be there
13Like it when how bad things are, i will definately be able to see a silver lining
14.Like it when bad things happen, good things will happen to balance out
15.Like it that things are moving, and i move on quite quickly relatively
16. and so on.
So i guess since i have so many good things, like what HJ mentioned before, worldly or spiritually, I have to look ahead and move on.
I cant just think positively immediately.
But I try to look ahead and understand myself.
School isnt so bad.
I guess it came at the right time as I will go to class.
There is this unhappiness with everything.
But I will do something practical.
Sometimes i dont know if God is there.
Cos I seem to be handling everything on my own .
And i seldom hear his voice.
During this period,
I see how vulnerble i am,
and how much one can lie to themselves when things are terrible.
But i will look ahead anyway.
Because i have no choice.
God always say theres a purpose for everything.
I guess his purpose is not revealed to me yet.
I wonder why I am different?
I hate to get affected over such issues.
And hate it when i get accusations.
I can only pray and pray.
I find myself looking at the smallest things and try to be happy about it.
1.Like the fact that I have my own room,
2.Like the freedom i get at work,
3.Like it that Eric have been there for me,
4.Like it that HJ have been there for me,
5.Like it that I have an excuse to drink ppc these days,
6.Like it that I a nice mum who makes nice breakfast for me these days,
7.Like it that my dog actually secretly likes me better, I just treat her a bit better and she'd become very attached to me again
8.Like it that i own a super adorable pup :)
9.Like it that I have nice hair today
10.Like it that I get to go out during work time and run errands for uncle
11.Like it that I am born in a good family, with many who dote on me
12.Like it that no matter how terrible my personality is, somehow one or two people will be there
13Like it when how bad things are, i will definately be able to see a silver lining
14.Like it when bad things happen, good things will happen to balance out
15.Like it that things are moving, and i move on quite quickly relatively
16. and so on.
So i guess since i have so many good things, like what HJ mentioned before, worldly or spiritually, I have to look ahead and move on.
Monday, March 15, 2010
what would God do? Remove those negative influences.
I was so angry.
And a bit sad.
After my friend made insensitive comments about me, and another friend.
I was angry because I have such friends which i have to tolerate with.
Why is it that i have to tolerate with someone who is so annoying?
So I was thinking.
Maybe its a good thing to stay away from her.
Why is it that i always have to stay away from people?
And the conclusion i get is stay away?
Does it have to do with my threshold?
Or does it have to do with my character or wad.
Cos it seems like i cant get along with anybody or everybody.
Even my mum says that I have fake friends around me.
The past week is good, so now is shit?
Honeymoon period 1 week?
Seriously irritating.
I mean sometimes its your attitude that determines the outcome.
And I have to be the type to 'give in' all the time?
I seriously doubt God's love.
I know its a small thing,
but havent things been bad enough.
Especially a transition from bad to good and to bad again?
I'm probably the most unhappy christian .
I feel so sian that i dont even want to tell Hj about it.
Cant see any happy things.
Class starting today,
very irritated to go to class.
Really dont have energy for anything.
The only good thing is Biz has been good these 2 days,
and My uncle have more trust in me.
Thats all.
Nothing else to be joyful about.
I am sorry i am so negative.
But thats the way it is.
I hate wherever i am now and i hate it that i have no one and nothing.
I hate it that I have to think of the positive all the time when i have nothing.
I hate it that people can be happy when i cannot be cos there is a purpose for my unhappiness.
I hate it that i have no one .
I hate it that my life is so boring and dull.
I hate it that everything just dont go well and i have to accept it.
I dont think i will ever be cured from my illness.
And a bit sad.
After my friend made insensitive comments about me, and another friend.
I was angry because I have such friends which i have to tolerate with.
Why is it that i have to tolerate with someone who is so annoying?
So I was thinking.
Maybe its a good thing to stay away from her.
Why is it that i always have to stay away from people?
And the conclusion i get is stay away?
Does it have to do with my threshold?
Or does it have to do with my character or wad.
Cos it seems like i cant get along with anybody or everybody.
Even my mum says that I have fake friends around me.
The past week is good, so now is shit?
Honeymoon period 1 week?
Seriously irritating.
I mean sometimes its your attitude that determines the outcome.
And I have to be the type to 'give in' all the time?
I seriously doubt God's love.
I know its a small thing,
but havent things been bad enough.
Especially a transition from bad to good and to bad again?
I'm probably the most unhappy christian .
I feel so sian that i dont even want to tell Hj about it.
Cant see any happy things.
Class starting today,
very irritated to go to class.
Really dont have energy for anything.
The only good thing is Biz has been good these 2 days,
and My uncle have more trust in me.
Thats all.
Nothing else to be joyful about.
I am sorry i am so negative.
But thats the way it is.
I hate wherever i am now and i hate it that i have no one and nothing.
I hate it that I have to think of the positive all the time when i have nothing.
I hate it that people can be happy when i cannot be cos there is a purpose for my unhappiness.
I hate it that i have no one .
I hate it that my life is so boring and dull.
I hate it that everything just dont go well and i have to accept it.
I dont think i will ever be cured from my illness.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
consumed by lack of purpose
The week was great.
Monday-went out with chew and chris
Tuesday-celebration with chew, chris,gary and jiajun
Wednesday-Nth
Thursday-celebration with candice, cw,eric, changchun
Friday-celebration with Hj and later got church
Saturday-went out with Eric
Sunday-celebration with Peihoon
and 2 more celebrations coming up.
The week has been good.
But yesterday after missing church and going out with Ph, it totally ruined my mood.
she bought me a present and intended to celebrate with me, I am thankful.
But she was so moody because of her friend,
And she kept saying she dont know where to go, cos shes moody and so on.
I mean com'on just get a grip?
You're out with someone to celebrate her bday and if you are so moody than what for meet.
And Doesnt she realize that by being like this,
people will be afraid to go out with you again?
but anw, i tried very hard to be tactful and listened to her problems.
But the annoying part was when i tried to tell her how to solve her problems,
she kept rebutting me with stuffs that actually means "I know what to do, but i am partially listening to my brain and my heart, and i am so emo and confused i dont know what to do, and i dont even know if i wanna listen to you, i dont know if i am listening."
Its like as if shes under some medication that causes vertigo and difficulty to think.
And so the cycle continues.
She emo, she tell me stuff, I try to talk to her, she give partial and weird responses and i get annoyed, so i keep quiet and let her talk.
And after that i got pissed and i told her that we have to do something even shes moody, cos we are both out and her being moody wont help anything.
So later we went to watch being human,
and when watching, i feel that this world is getting darker and darker.
And after that while eating dinner, i cant help but feel that the friends around me,
they are either like her, or mia sometimes, and all have a problem or something.
I know life is not perfect,
but why is it that it feels so...
I dont know what to say.
And I guess what type of people attracts what type of friends,
but for me,
probably cos i have been feeling like i have no friends,
I am ok with all type of friends.
And thats why got this type.
Or maybe i have been lacking of purpose,
hence i attract this type.
And seriously, work is boring.
And i have yet to start school.
I dont want to complain about work.
sighs.
But nvm,
while i was bathing today morning AGAIN,
I realize that people who dont need God are often happy and fortunate in some sense,
but the difference is :
Their life is stagnant forever.Good =Oh i always pray to guan yin ma, so i am fortunate/I must have done a lot of good deeds
Bad=Never pray tai sui, aiyo, this yr tiger year lack of blah blah blah duno what crap, and I must do more good deeds etc
This means that they cannot control their situation, and when they happy sad =happy sad . thats all.
As for us christians, happy / sad=same. cos both situations also can see grace. I dont know about you guys but for me, its very apparent.
I can have a terrible day today, but after that, things will get better, or throughout the sadness, i see what is god trying to tell me and so on.
Its not that bad.
It will come to a point where i feel normal whether in bad or good situations.
Only will be worried if things go too well or too bad.
A bit bad here and there-I am used to it.
Its never easy, but like what i said, maybe after accepting that god gives me bad and good because of his reasons,
he might surprise me.
LOL.
So well.
To BAD and Good days!
p.s people who dont know me think i am a psycho who enjoys pain!
Monday-went out with chew and chris
Tuesday-celebration with chew, chris,gary and jiajun
Wednesday-Nth
Thursday-celebration with candice, cw,eric, changchun
Friday-celebration with Hj and later got church
Saturday-went out with Eric
Sunday-celebration with Peihoon
and 2 more celebrations coming up.
The week has been good.
But yesterday after missing church and going out with Ph, it totally ruined my mood.
she bought me a present and intended to celebrate with me, I am thankful.
But she was so moody because of her friend,
And she kept saying she dont know where to go, cos shes moody and so on.
I mean com'on just get a grip?
You're out with someone to celebrate her bday and if you are so moody than what for meet.
And Doesnt she realize that by being like this,
people will be afraid to go out with you again?
but anw, i tried very hard to be tactful and listened to her problems.
But the annoying part was when i tried to tell her how to solve her problems,
she kept rebutting me with stuffs that actually means "I know what to do, but i am partially listening to my brain and my heart, and i am so emo and confused i dont know what to do, and i dont even know if i wanna listen to you, i dont know if i am listening."
Its like as if shes under some medication that causes vertigo and difficulty to think.
And so the cycle continues.
She emo, she tell me stuff, I try to talk to her, she give partial and weird responses and i get annoyed, so i keep quiet and let her talk.
And after that i got pissed and i told her that we have to do something even shes moody, cos we are both out and her being moody wont help anything.
So later we went to watch being human,
and when watching, i feel that this world is getting darker and darker.
And after that while eating dinner, i cant help but feel that the friends around me,
they are either like her, or mia sometimes, and all have a problem or something.
I know life is not perfect,
but why is it that it feels so...
I dont know what to say.
And I guess what type of people attracts what type of friends,
but for me,
probably cos i have been feeling like i have no friends,
I am ok with all type of friends.
And thats why got this type.
Or maybe i have been lacking of purpose,
hence i attract this type.
And seriously, work is boring.
And i have yet to start school.
I dont want to complain about work.
sighs.
But nvm,
while i was bathing today morning AGAIN,
I realize that people who dont need God are often happy and fortunate in some sense,
but the difference is :
Their life is stagnant forever.Good =Oh i always pray to guan yin ma, so i am fortunate/I must have done a lot of good deeds
Bad=Never pray tai sui, aiyo, this yr tiger year lack of blah blah blah duno what crap, and I must do more good deeds etc
This means that they cannot control their situation, and when they happy sad =happy sad . thats all.
As for us christians, happy / sad=same. cos both situations also can see grace. I dont know about you guys but for me, its very apparent.
I can have a terrible day today, but after that, things will get better, or throughout the sadness, i see what is god trying to tell me and so on.
Its not that bad.
It will come to a point where i feel normal whether in bad or good situations.
Only will be worried if things go too well or too bad.
A bit bad here and there-I am used to it.
Its never easy, but like what i said, maybe after accepting that god gives me bad and good because of his reasons,
he might surprise me.
LOL.
So well.
To BAD and Good days!
p.s people who dont know me think i am a psycho who enjoys pain!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The past week, things have been very good.
Because of that,I feel that i have 'drifted' away from God,but i want to remain 'happy'.
This is my problem now.
However, i also want to be close to God when i am happy.
How?How long more can it take to acheive both :(
Its now quite difficult to define happy.
Or maybe contentment.I want to have my friends,but i also want to be close to god.This is true.VERY TRUE, in fact.
God really knows humans, or rather me very well.
If i have a lot of attention from my loved ones, and i get a bf and so on,I'll turn my attention away from him.Satan is smart.
Everything seems perfect now,but i know that without God, anything bad can happen anytime.
God loves me.
And he wants to let me see the Jingwen when she is 'contented.'
I pray still, but its not like previously.
I don't know what to pray to him,this is probably satan's plan too.
He wants me to feel that i have nothing to pray about so don't pray.
The truth is,things only look ok.
And seem ok.But it doesnt mean its my eternal happiness.
These are the changeable things.
The things that are not fixed.I can ask God for anything and pray to him about everything.He will answer me in time to come.
Its quite important to realize that when nothing to pray, also must dig things to pray.If not we'll stray....Thats what i feel.I am not happy still.
Another thing which i realize.Things go well, i feel that it might leave, feel very afraid.Things never go well, feel miserable.
Must find that balance.Things go well or not, both also good.Never go well can talk to God and experience God more.
Things go well don't know what to pray, become very stagnant.
So things go well is it good and never go well is bad?
Very hard to tell .Guess ultimate aim is to have fixed perspective, which is probably the hardest of all.
Will blog a full entry on all my bday celebrations soon!
Because of that,I feel that i have 'drifted' away from God,but i want to remain 'happy'.
This is my problem now.
However, i also want to be close to God when i am happy.
How?How long more can it take to acheive both :(
Its now quite difficult to define happy.
Or maybe contentment.I want to have my friends,but i also want to be close to god.This is true.VERY TRUE, in fact.
God really knows humans, or rather me very well.
If i have a lot of attention from my loved ones, and i get a bf and so on,I'll turn my attention away from him.Satan is smart.
Everything seems perfect now,but i know that without God, anything bad can happen anytime.
God loves me.
And he wants to let me see the Jingwen when she is 'contented.'
I pray still, but its not like previously.
I don't know what to pray to him,this is probably satan's plan too.
He wants me to feel that i have nothing to pray about so don't pray.
The truth is,things only look ok.
And seem ok.But it doesnt mean its my eternal happiness.
These are the changeable things.
The things that are not fixed.I can ask God for anything and pray to him about everything.He will answer me in time to come.
Its quite important to realize that when nothing to pray, also must dig things to pray.If not we'll stray....Thats what i feel.I am not happy still.
Another thing which i realize.Things go well, i feel that it might leave, feel very afraid.Things never go well, feel miserable.
Must find that balance.Things go well or not, both also good.Never go well can talk to God and experience God more.
Things go well don't know what to pray, become very stagnant.
So things go well is it good and never go well is bad?
Very hard to tell .Guess ultimate aim is to have fixed perspective, which is probably the hardest of all.
Will blog a full entry on all my bday celebrations soon!
Friday, March 5, 2010
what would god do? Kill my enemies the moment i forgive them.
I have been waiting for this 'conviction' and 'compellation' to blog.
Is there such word ?
But anyway, I really enjoyed my these few days activities.
Although I feel like i shouldnt focus on these.
I shouldn't focus because its like opening an area up to satan to attack.
Something like that.
Whether good or bad, I try to feel normal.
Sooner or later I'll find that balance.
And yesterday i found that balance.
I went to work, the whole day i suddenly had thoughts of Et,
all sorts,
but it wasn't like the ones i had previously.
God protected my mind. :)
And after a boring day at work, I went to meet Rachel after work for my birthday,
and i felt so blessed and happy that when i saw her, i didnt know what to tell her.
So i told her like very slowly in between the birthday meal :)
I am a happy girl :)
Comparing myself and then, even i am kinda shocked at the difference in me.
And I am happy that all these while, God gave me Sophia,Rachel and Huijun and a fun cell group which makes every friday a good day. :)
Anw, after cell group, i went to meet sf,
and i was very shocked when he told me this about that insurance friend which i told you all about during sharing. Like one of those friends whom i felt was very influential and because of her, i felt that i drifted apart from my group of friends.
I always thought Sf is close to them, and i see them as a group of friends which I would be at the bottom of my friend list although I still feel close to Yao and him.
He told me that he couldn't take her bad character anymore.
He said he is sick of her talking about everyone, including me,
and he wanted to be truthful as he see himself drifting away from her/them.
So he told me what they talked about me,
and it was all like kinda true in some way, but to me, i felt like i didnt owe them any explanation.
I can be as self centered as i want.
And the only person i need to account to is God.
And he said that she is not a good friend.
And she put words into people's mouth.
And she has a lot of 'small actions' which he don't like.
And he told me he have been feeling this way a long time ago, but just that he didnt mention .
And he plans to stay away from her/them, which i am planning to also.
Or more like, i've always been staying away.
They really keep talking about people.
I rather be alone, rather be lonely, rather be depressed, rather to have a lot of distorted thinking then to go out with them..HER.
And this verse in the bible suddenly came to my mind.
Something about God will punish the wicked and reward the kind.
She is the 'wicked' .
And i am the 'kind.'
God is my invisible weapon, and i can pray for her failures and setbacks.
On the front, i can be her friend, but deep down, i dislike her.
And i wont be kind to her or try to like her and be nice just like previously because i felt like she is someone whom i might need when i am down.
And also we have been friends for about 10 years,
there are still some friendship.
But when i am down, is she there? NO.
when i wanted to talk to someone, is she there? NO.
Now she is like a money grubber to me, who only wants to be your friend when you have certain benefits.
Even sf agrees.
So i realize God will do the work.
I dont have to do anything sometimes.
Whoever who is bad to me, who tries to take advantage of me, etc
They will be punished.
Its my time to get all the blessings i always wanted.
It might not be soon,
but its on its way.
I am just improving myself for those special blessings and that special someone.
It would be good to see life as a whole rather than only a point of time.
Thats what women are bad at .
No matter what people say about me,
I realize i really dont have to bother.
Because God is Great all the time.
And he'll work on me in his own most wonderful and miraculous ways.
One day, i can totally break off from those people who are from satan and embrace those that are given from god.
:)
To a blessed week!
Is there such word ?
But anyway, I really enjoyed my these few days activities.
Although I feel like i shouldnt focus on these.
I shouldn't focus because its like opening an area up to satan to attack.
Something like that.
Whether good or bad, I try to feel normal.
Sooner or later I'll find that balance.
And yesterday i found that balance.
I went to work, the whole day i suddenly had thoughts of Et,
all sorts,
but it wasn't like the ones i had previously.
God protected my mind. :)
And after a boring day at work, I went to meet Rachel after work for my birthday,
and i felt so blessed and happy that when i saw her, i didnt know what to tell her.
So i told her like very slowly in between the birthday meal :)
I am a happy girl :)
Comparing myself and then, even i am kinda shocked at the difference in me.
And I am happy that all these while, God gave me Sophia,Rachel and Huijun and a fun cell group which makes every friday a good day. :)
Anw, after cell group, i went to meet sf,
and i was very shocked when he told me this about that insurance friend which i told you all about during sharing. Like one of those friends whom i felt was very influential and because of her, i felt that i drifted apart from my group of friends.
I always thought Sf is close to them, and i see them as a group of friends which I would be at the bottom of my friend list although I still feel close to Yao and him.
He told me that he couldn't take her bad character anymore.
He said he is sick of her talking about everyone, including me,
and he wanted to be truthful as he see himself drifting away from her/them.
So he told me what they talked about me,
and it was all like kinda true in some way, but to me, i felt like i didnt owe them any explanation.
I can be as self centered as i want.
And the only person i need to account to is God.
And he said that she is not a good friend.
And she put words into people's mouth.
And she has a lot of 'small actions' which he don't like.
And he told me he have been feeling this way a long time ago, but just that he didnt mention .
And he plans to stay away from her/them, which i am planning to also.
Or more like, i've always been staying away.
They really keep talking about people.
I rather be alone, rather be lonely, rather be depressed, rather to have a lot of distorted thinking then to go out with them..HER.
And this verse in the bible suddenly came to my mind.
Something about God will punish the wicked and reward the kind.
She is the 'wicked' .
And i am the 'kind.'
God is my invisible weapon, and i can pray for her failures and setbacks.
On the front, i can be her friend, but deep down, i dislike her.
And i wont be kind to her or try to like her and be nice just like previously because i felt like she is someone whom i might need when i am down.
And also we have been friends for about 10 years,
there are still some friendship.
But when i am down, is she there? NO.
when i wanted to talk to someone, is she there? NO.
Now she is like a money grubber to me, who only wants to be your friend when you have certain benefits.
Even sf agrees.
So i realize God will do the work.
I dont have to do anything sometimes.
Whoever who is bad to me, who tries to take advantage of me, etc
They will be punished.
Its my time to get all the blessings i always wanted.
It might not be soon,
but its on its way.
I am just improving myself for those special blessings and that special someone.
It would be good to see life as a whole rather than only a point of time.
Thats what women are bad at .
No matter what people say about me,
I realize i really dont have to bother.
Because God is Great all the time.
And he'll work on me in his own most wonderful and miraculous ways.
One day, i can totally break off from those people who are from satan and embrace those that are given from god.
:)
To a blessed week!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Birthday
about 1 hr to end of work!
Today I'm very busy. Yesterday, I was very free.
I felt upset again and sms Hj.
Instead of calling, it have turned into SMS.
one sms can make me feel better.
After that, the whole day(2/3/10) went well.
Around 1pm, there were a lot of customers, and We kept selling things.
Then around 230pm, I went for lunch with my colleague.
After that went out with my cousin and her friend, had sushi.
While we were eating Sushi, i was telling Her friend about My neurotic friend, who is painfully sensitive .
And after that conversation, I realize that i can no longer help this friend alone, I can only pray for this friend.
I'm so sian to talk about this friend. Those who wanna know, come ask me!
I think most of you know already...
Then during the meetup, i saw the blessings and grace that god gave me,
It might be a slow process but its definately an ongoing process.
And its steady.
I felt that I shouldnt be so obsessed with my problems anymore,
time for some liberation.
And after that i went home and played with the four legged creature.
Although I was soooo lerthargic yesterday,
I felt peaceful, and i wanted to smile back at god for praying more for the people that i care about.
And I would hope to see their lives improve.
Then i'd feel even more confident about mine, as certain areas its not fulfilled.
Oh and yes, these few days, why i call it blessed is because I actually have a lot of birthday meetups , dont care whether is me who ask or they who ask.
This sat-caiyun
Mon-Maybe serene
Tue-Cousin and co.
Thur-Candice and co.
Sat-Ade and co.
And I havent arranged with SY and HJ :)
Family one also havent arrange.
And Sunday afternoon meeting Simin, not for birthday but she wants to see my dog. She knows Eddie tan, duno whether should spoil his reputation?? HEHEHE.
And so on.
On tuesday, my actual day, I wonder if i should take a day off and sleep den go out at night.
But i doubt so. :(
Oh and another thing, today morning I quarrelled with my mum and before that i just prayed that God would bless my mum's car as i think there are some evil entities in the car that cause my mum and me to keep arguing. But during the argument, God told me this :-"If you continue to argue with your mum and keep taking everything she says so badly, one day you'll regret. Arguing with her would only make things worse. You'll be falling into Satan's trap." And upon realizing that Satan actually has so much hold over me, even on my family members, i felt even more determined and angry. Hence i shut up, and just said things to calm her down. surprisingly, after this realization, I felt nothing when she continued scolding me, and I felt that one day there'd come to this point when she'd talk nicely to me when she realize that I am no longer affected. Or rather SATAN will realize i am no longer affected and this problem will cease to exist.
This is the beginning of the end of the quarrells with my mum.
Tomorrow morning is another battle.
Pray for me!
And things really do feel different when you're busy.
But i know its a temporary solution.
So again, we just have to keep praying, and keep doing what we supposed to do.
:)
To a Great life ahead.
Today I'm very busy. Yesterday, I was very free.
I felt upset again and sms Hj.
Instead of calling, it have turned into SMS.
one sms can make me feel better.
After that, the whole day(2/3/10) went well.
Around 1pm, there were a lot of customers, and We kept selling things.
Then around 230pm, I went for lunch with my colleague.
After that went out with my cousin and her friend, had sushi.
While we were eating Sushi, i was telling Her friend about My neurotic friend, who is painfully sensitive .
And after that conversation, I realize that i can no longer help this friend alone, I can only pray for this friend.
I'm so sian to talk about this friend. Those who wanna know, come ask me!
I think most of you know already...
Then during the meetup, i saw the blessings and grace that god gave me,
It might be a slow process but its definately an ongoing process.
And its steady.
I felt that I shouldnt be so obsessed with my problems anymore,
time for some liberation.
And after that i went home and played with the four legged creature.
Although I was soooo lerthargic yesterday,
I felt peaceful, and i wanted to smile back at god for praying more for the people that i care about.
And I would hope to see their lives improve.
Then i'd feel even more confident about mine, as certain areas its not fulfilled.
Oh and yes, these few days, why i call it blessed is because I actually have a lot of birthday meetups , dont care whether is me who ask or they who ask.
This sat-caiyun
Mon-Maybe serene
Tue-Cousin and co.
Thur-Candice and co.
Sat-Ade and co.
And I havent arranged with SY and HJ :)
Family one also havent arrange.
And Sunday afternoon meeting Simin, not for birthday but she wants to see my dog. She knows Eddie tan, duno whether should spoil his reputation?? HEHEHE.
And so on.
On tuesday, my actual day, I wonder if i should take a day off and sleep den go out at night.
But i doubt so. :(
Oh and another thing, today morning I quarrelled with my mum and before that i just prayed that God would bless my mum's car as i think there are some evil entities in the car that cause my mum and me to keep arguing. But during the argument, God told me this :-"If you continue to argue with your mum and keep taking everything she says so badly, one day you'll regret. Arguing with her would only make things worse. You'll be falling into Satan's trap." And upon realizing that Satan actually has so much hold over me, even on my family members, i felt even more determined and angry. Hence i shut up, and just said things to calm her down. surprisingly, after this realization, I felt nothing when she continued scolding me, and I felt that one day there'd come to this point when she'd talk nicely to me when she realize that I am no longer affected. Or rather SATAN will realize i am no longer affected and this problem will cease to exist.
This is the beginning of the end of the quarrells with my mum.
Tomorrow morning is another battle.
Pray for me!
And things really do feel different when you're busy.
But i know its a temporary solution.
So again, we just have to keep praying, and keep doing what we supposed to do.
:)
To a Great life ahead.
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