for a reason

Yesterday and a few days before,
I was beaming with happiness.
There is just this peace inside me which I cant explain,
and even when i was at home on friday , I didnt feel unhappy despite the naggings from my aunt.
Just felt happy.
Maybe its a gift from God.
When i reached church late on sunday morning after all those 'obstacles' despite waking up early at 845 am,
I saw my brothers and sisters and felt happy immediately. :)
During the whole thing, i was very nervous, and i felt excited even.
Cos i know after i get baptized,
Its like I am married to God in name haha.
And I can proudly tell everyone i am christian.
Esp when i heard what pastor said on stage, about me definately being loved, i felt like crying again, cos i know that what he said was true.
All these while he never give up trying to get my attention and making me understand him,
And he bless me with friends who really love me like Sophia Lee, Lin HuiJun , ShiYa and Hooi Ching :), etc..Even a wonderful Pastor who understands what i am going through by just talking to me for awhile.
And when I was baptized, i felt that many are really genuinely happy,
and they really want me to be happy .
They know what i need, and they see me as the older them .
Esp shiya who went through almost the same problems as me.
They are not the same as people outside who love me in human ways.
And I am glad and very touched to see that all these while, God loves me and I have brothers and sisters who go through things with me.
And After receiving the gifts from Huijun and Hooiching , it felt like a celebration .
Thank you guys :)
But today, i got accused again.
I felt that other than my relationships with them,
the rest suck.
or maybe its me.
I really cannot tolerate my mum.
I cannot tolerate people who are straightforward.
And you know the reason?
Its because of her.
She has been very straightfoward and HARSH with her words.
The best word to describe my relationship with her is AGONY.
She cannot stand me.
And I know I have a lot of flaws.
But everyday she throws ACCUSATIONS, INSULTS, AND SCOLDINGS.
EVERYDAY.
EVERY SINGLE MORNING.
It made me very afraid of criticisms.
very afraid of scoldings.
and very afraid of people telling me the truth.
I really cant stand her..
I really cannot stand her scolding me and saying me everytime i talk about something unrelated.
I really cannot stand her...
And my aunt.
This shows how dark buddhism is.
Everything is about being a good person, being kind, etc.
When all you do is accuse.
and scold.
The way she disciplines me is like : 'i want to inflict pain on you now because you might get hurt in the future, so u must get used to the pain.'
I just hate talking to her,
and i am afraid of being with her.
The line between us seem to be clearer and clearer.
Shes buddhist,
I am christian.
I dont know how good i must be to get her to shut her trap.
Theres really nth to do at the shop.
Even if there is, it is something meaningless to me which can be done in a day.
But she doesnt understand.
I am sick of all these accusations,
all these lack of understanding from the people outside church,
How much more can i do to break away from this cycle?
But after i thought about the message yesterday,
I thought maybe I should really let go.
As in really give in to her,
and let her say me and just keep quiet.
Just be more easygoing.
Pride doesnt matter.
Misunderstood also doesnt matter.
If i ignore it,
it'll really be gone.
Because all these are from Satan.




And I am not like other people.
In worldly and morbid terms=SUAY
In christ=for a reason


So i guess I just need to pray. :)