Good Addiction

God is great, all the time.
I heard this phrase once, when i was younger.
Now when i look back at few weeks ago, or even months ago,
i gotta admit that I'm different.
I havent been so upset in awhile,
but i also havent experienced god in a long time.
I realize when your spirit is not right, it really makes you very sad.
Small things make me sad.
Big things make me MISERABLE.
thats how it started.
I have been telling myself this- I will chang4 fan3 diao4 with satan FROM NOW ON.
And of course while i am doing this, I know god wont let me down.
Today i experienced so many attacks.
But i know that if i pull through mentally, it'd definately be different.
Well, nothing really big happened.
But my mood-it was quite stable.
After work, I met Eddie to pass him the book which i bought for him.
When he saw the book, he looked very surprised,and i felt really weird.
I was surprised that I still felt something, and on his side, he kept wanting to return me something, buy me a drink, return me money or sth i dont know what.
But little did i know of what i have done, and that i wanted him to feel guilty.
Which i think he did. And it made me see a little grace at that moment,
not because he felt bad, but more of he really aint a good guy, dont have many friends, and a lot of his bad points which i kinda saw.
And his friend is a cocky bastard.
But anw, I feel very sorry for his gf.
And I want to make sure he returns me something for my birthday,
and its not a simple gift.
But if he doesnt, by that time i'd have forgotten.
Somehow I saw myself rejecting all the negative thoughts about having no friends and no boyfriend.
And when i reject them, i see myself indulging in this feeling which only god and me understands.
I know the more i suffer, the more i gain.
I suffer for a reason!
And god loves me.
I spent the day doing work, trying to do something meaningful,
I know nobody contacted me.
But i tried to look on the bright side.
Its kinda sad, but i know its satans tricks.
And strangely after work, after i passed the book to my friend, I went alone to United square to help chew see her branded bags, and I was chatting with the boss when my cousin called me and mentioned she wanted to look for me.
And I indulged myself by buying a branded bag. :(
But of course its good.
And when i got home, it was 9pm already and i felt so sleepy.
But i still had an attack, I went to fb, i saw something that made me feel a little better.
He was 'apologizing' on fb.
I guess i cant think of anyone but myself.
I KNEW THAT ONE DAY HE'D REGRET.
And i've already seen so much grace frm god, Its really time to let this person go.
The only reason why i cant let go is because i thought i could have a chance with this person,
but its gone suddenly.
But I prayed for it to end quickly anw.
But now god, i pray for it to end NOW.
I let go of the ghost of you and me.
And you.
FROM NOW ON, I'll be blessed.
More blessed than all of you.
Its not a joke.
I will believe in this till the day i have it.
Thank you god for giving me this shit.
Cos i am different.
I am meant to live for eternity.