I felt miserable all morning.
Lifeless, sian, and no mood to do anything.
Oh let me talk about yesterday first.
I was so sad yesterday, I cried while talking to HJ.
But i felt really ok after i left church and i met rebecca in central before she leaves for Cambodia.
And while we were talking, after hearing her own set of dramas which she also have (lol) ,
I can't help but feel that she ain't leading a right life,
and although I am miserable, I am at least doing something.
And the best things to counter my misery now are:
1.Love being alone with god
2.Spend most of my time in church and don't leave early
3.I still need resilance, pray for it
4.I have to constantly be close to god
5.Read the bible EVERY night
6.Find my 'hiding spot' or something to do which can make me feel instantly at ease
7.Help people and spread the gospel during my misery
8.Do my jobs well, god is testing me
9.Adjust my motto in life to 'life is a temporary assignment.'
10.stop focusing on non tangible things like money, looks, bags :( , popularity etc.
11.Rid of my wrong thinking -like friends can bring me happiness
Also, I really saw how much god loves me.
Today 20/2/10-I went to work, i felt miserable all morning, Nothing could make me happy, nothing could make me smile. I felt like a withered flower with no hope! And roughly around 11am, i saw god's grace and god's smiling face.
lst evidence-I know that on my birthday, i will definately have company-My cousin and friends. And i felt a little bad for feeling happy and thankful to god only when i have company, but HONESTLY, after this incident, I really felt that I really cannot rely on my friends to be happy anymore, so i didnt felt too happy too. Its a mixed feeling.
2nd Evidence-The fact that I can always find people when i am at my most desperate situations. I heard god's voice telling me this when i was in the bathroom. When i heard that, i felt very convicted and cried. I know i dont have many asking me out all the time, but i know i can find a friend whenever i am down.
3rd Evidence-Other than all these outside friends, i still have many loved ones around me. God sent two angels into my life-HJ and SY, and also my family and Jiajun, Eric. Both of them always try their very best for me. Not the kind you think. They are just 2 very loyal friends who'll definately find time when i am sad. Gotta pray about treasuring them and see what god says.
4th Evidence-God explained things to me here and there throughout the day.
1.Your friends are busy, you cannot rely on them, and its not that they dont love you and don't care, but you cant expect much frm them. Even if they do love you, without god, they are very fragile and might leave u anytime. hence you really cannot expect anything frm them. You can be with them but you can't expect any happiness frm them now.
And you should use this chance to completely rid of this issue and really experience the love and joy which only jesus can bring you.
The more sad i am, the more i look for jesus. The more i look for jesus, the more i learn to live without them. The more i learn, the more i grow, the more i grow, the more i get closer to god until the day i totally only want god, and that time i will 'prosper and be truly fortunate.'
Because i know god wants to give me true happiness.
5th Evidence-I had a busy saturday.
And somehow, after realizing these facts, I found that i could survive, i could move on .And after the steamboat session at my cousin's house, I went to amk central ALONE, and walked around happily. I never felt this peace in awhile. This beats being with a friend whom i know doesnt care that much, his/her mind filled entirelly with worldly things, just here because i asked. And the best part was i could hear god talking to me sometimes.
I took a lot of photos of amk central lol but i couldnt upload. Dumb iphone.
And when i came home, there was a adorable four legged creature waiting for me. :)
I guess I dont need many friends after all.
Maybe 2 Spiritual friends is enough. :)
I just want to say that I hope i can be of any help to any sister in the future. Because i really understood how its like to be very bothered by small things and to be 'grilled' like this when you're such a new believer. Its not easy. Thats why god is a miracle.
These few days , I learnt that
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Hey, you mean 3 spiritual friends!!! What about me? Hee. Aii, Jing wen, even though I am thousands of miles away...you're still in my heart and mind. Love you, darling...and as I said so many times before, God loves you more than anyone in the whole world, and it is THAT love that matters the most...because no matter what, human love is just SO limited and selfish. that's why you can feel the difference in HJ and SY's love, right? Because it's not through the human flesh...but it's a love FROM God. Same with me. I love you a loooooooot. And I don't say this to a lot of people, ok? So you can be certain it's deep and true. :-)
ReplyDeleteI was really touched when I read your list of things to counter your misery...amen, amen, amen! One of the reasons is the delight in how much you've changed. I've only last seen you less than a year ago...and yet, you're like a different person now. You might still struggle with similar things..but you have SO much more power and authority and weapons to FIGHT BACK. A long time ago, you were so much more helpless and defenseless...but now you've got a whole team of warriors behind you, praying for you...
Isn't that an amazing blessing? Think about that, meditate on that, and live it out. You are BLESSED, and you CAN make each day a blessing!
Jiayou, girl! :D
Thank you girl! Yes i forgot to mention you lah. But of course without u bringing me here, i wouldnt change so much right! :)
ReplyDeleteYup i never doubted your love for me hehe. I prayed once when i was about 16 or younger that god would bring lead a close friend to bring me to church, and initially i thought its another friend, but later i found out its you! And i did pray before that i would like the church, like the people there and so on. and he is true to his word :)
Yup i did change quite a bit after you went back to US! hey u know after u went back i didnt want to go to church? but hj met me a few times and i decided to give it a try. It turned out to be something different! This time its not like how it was. Its really different when i truly know god exist and can feel his presence. and alot..I really am glad u brought me here i told u many times! hhahhaa. Now u know why. probably u didnt talk to me in a long while thats why u didnt realize. But yeap i thought of u a lot and the things u said, and only realized whatever u told me were right. :)
:) PRAY FOR ME!